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Monday, January 27, 2014

WOW! I suck

I have gotten horrible at actually blogging on here. I think it is honestly because I forget about this blog. I wish the notifications would come to my regular email address. I have been without a computer for a couple weeks. See, we bought a puppy. And said puppy ate right through my computer cord. Being that I use a Mac, it was an $80 computer cord. Le sigh.


There really isnt a lot to write about dd right now. Not for lack of wanting, desiring or trying but lack of contact. Yes, you guessed it, Matthew is gone again. However, he will be home in a couple weeks. Thank goodness. A puppy and a toddler together by myself is a bit trying- more so when the toddler is teething molars and I am in a location where I dont know anyone that I really trust to watch him so that I get a break.

Don't forget about me... I haven't forgotten about you. In fact I have written many dd chapters in my head that I am sure my readers will love. Just to get them from brain to screen now.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Holiday Craziness!

I am sorry I have not been around much lately. The holidays are super crazy around here especially with a little one. Things have been so much better now that we have reincorporated dd in our lives. Structure and accountability. I have also had my birthday since our last blog and I really had a good time. Just spending time with my family is wonderful. I look at my son and everyday thank the Lord for him. He is bright, amazing and loving. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love watching him grow and explore. He is so smart, beyond his age already and a bit feisty. Watching his aw at the Christmas decorations and watching his eyes grow at the site of the newness in every day activities just makes my heart happy.


Saturday, November 30, 2013

Checking in ;)

I really need to get back into the hang of blogging. Thought I would check in with everyone and say “hello”. Life has been a bit crazy here. This is the season (and wedding season in the summer) that photographers are the busiest. To top that off having a one year old and a husband in the military can make for hectic chaos. I know the holidays really stress me out and I can be a bit cranky and anxious. Another good reason to have dd right now.

Well my husband has come home and been home for over a week now. In that time I have been spanked twice. He has been very thorough and consistent. After our son goes to bed at night he will spank me in the basement where he can’t hear us. I’m actually relieved to be back in this dynamic. I feel it has opened our communication up again and it has given him the freedom to tell me he isn’t happy with my behavior without me biting his head off. I think deep down I really wanted it back but at the same time was afraid to reinstate it, especially with a child in the house.


I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving with family and friends.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Here goes nothing...

Well. I did it. I agree or consented to bring back dd into our marriage and my husband returns very soon. He is quite happy and sounded relieved to hear that. As part of reincorporating it into our marriage I asked for help with some things that I need addressed. It was SUPER hard to do it but I did. This is what I asked him to help me with:
 Ive really sucked lately taking my depression medication. Its been like a week... and I get super anxious and grumpy without it. ( I was diagnosed with PPD after my son was born. The medication is a small dose but it enough for it to make a difference in my day to day activities)


Sleep- I've been giving our son a bath around 715 and putting him to bed by 8. He wakes several times. If I can get to bed by 11 that would be awesome. Except, I havent been getting to bed until after 2. I need time to edit and work on business stuff but not getting sleep is killing me energy wise

Health- I REALLY need to lose weight. I spoke with our OB and she said she isnt comfortable with us trying to get pregnant and maintaining one this heavy.I need to drop at least 25lbs. So I need motivation to eat better and exercise. Soda limited to three a week and things like that.


I haven't gotten a response yet but I think these are all important aspects that I need to be accountable about.


Also, we have had many discussions about communication and respect. We want to get our marriage back to where it was and not have as much tension in it.

I joked around with him and told him no spankings for a week or I wont pick him up from the airport.


He said that was a no go. ;)


I am super anxious and nervous about the first one. It has been years. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

O'Brien Family Ch. 2

As the adrenaline fled from Connor’s body it was replaced with a bone weary exhaustion. The ups and downs of the night: from executing a high profile warrant during a dangerous sting, being shot, a visit to the hospital and finding his disobedient wife still awake was enough to exhaust any normal man. Yet, Connor was the type to administer swift justice. It didn’t sit well with him to wait around. Deal with the issues as they come and not let them pile up was his mantra.

Michelle finished cleaning up the spilt coffee and headed into the guest bedroom. There, in the corner, was a decorative stand. On the stand was a silver platter that held two items; an antique hairbrush and silver hand mirror. The set had been picked up on a vacation trip to Maine a few years past. The heavy brush had become quite familiar with Michelle’s bottom since the purchase had been made. Michelle was often tempted to throw the brush in the fireplace but knew that it was replaceable.

She went into the bedroom and found that Connor was brushing his teeth. He had stripped down into a white t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants. She looked at her handsome husband and for the billionth time couldn’t believe he was with her. In his early 40’s he looked a decade younger. Years of Marine Corp experience disciplined his body. He continued to uphold those standards still and his body delighted her. His hair was not as short as when he was a Marine by any stretch of the imagination but it was professionally kept and his face was clean shaven.  She smiled at him, almost shyly, as she admired his frame.

He pulled the toothbrush from his mouth and said one word, “corner”. She sighed. It wasn’t often that he had her stand in the corner, it wasn’t there thing. From time to time she found herself standing there though, often it was when he wasn’t ready for her yet. She dutifully moved into the corner. Connor had demonstrated a long time before what would happen if she disobeyed him, especially during punishment. Connor finished getting ready for bed and walked out of the bedroom. He fetched the desk chair from the office and brought it back into their room and sat it next to the bed. 

“Come here sweetheart.” His command was without the normal force. Michelle could hear the tiredness in his voice. She walked over to where he was still standing next to the chair. He embraced her in a hug and gave her a kiss. He needed that as much as she did. He then sat and he pulled her to sit on his left leg looking at him. “What time did Sean go down tonight?” He asked her.

“Around seven thirty.” She replied
“And how many times has he been up and when?”
“He woke around nine crying. I nursed him and gave him some Tylenol. He woke again around eleven thirty and I was able to get him back down after rocking him about twenty minutes.”
“So, you had approximately three hours after bedtime to get some work done” He stated, “And we hired a morning mother’s helper so that you could get a block of three hours in the morning for work as well, correct?”

“Yes.” She said.

“Did Sean take his normal afternoon nap? How long did he sleep?”

“About two and a half hours.” She muttered. She knew exactly where he was going with this. He had given her the opportunity to excuse her behavior some, but she had no excuse.

“Last week when we set your bedtime together I made it very clear what would happen if you disobeyed, didn’t I?”

“Yes”

“Would you like to try that again?” She saw the raise of his eyebrow.

“Yes sir.”

“We agreed that midnight was more than fair, Michelle, especially with hiring a mother’s helper to come into the house and play with Sean in the morning. You and I came to an agreement. You about collapsed from pure exhaustion. You can’t take care of others, or your business if you can’t take care of you. How late were you planning on staying up?” Connor was nothing if he wasn’t thorough. Sarcasm was a defense mechanism, one that Michelle had been trying so hard to overcome, but at the moment it just sort of came out of her mouth.

“Well, if you hadn’t come home early, I wouldn’t be in trouble.” She regretted it the second the words were out of her mouth.

“I see.” His tone was steel. “I came home early because I was shot…” Her mouth opened but before she could say anything he raised his hand telling her to stop, “I was shot but I am fine. It ended up in my vest. I was going to call you from the ambulance however, I thought you were being a good obedient wife and were fast asleep and didn’t want to wake you. I had planned on crawling into bed next to you and cuddling. Imagine my surprise when after a stressful night this is what I came home to. Perhaps, you should have been more concerned with taking care of yourself then hiding your disobedience.” Connor pulled Michelle off of his lap and pulled down the shorts she was wearing. He moved his left leg up and positioned her body over it, trapped her legs with his right one. This was a dance as familiar to him as lovemaking. He knew her reactions and as such anticipated them.

He rubbed her bottom with his large, work worn, rough hands. He raised his hand and let it fall on her right cheek, then her left, then her right again. The volley of swats came crashing down, one after another. It was silent but for the sound of skin hitting skin for the first couple of minutes. Michelle had her phases she went through during discipline. Sometimes she would get through each one quickly, other times it was dragged out. Connor’s intimate awareness of his wife allowed him to judge when she was ready for the next stage.

He must have reigned down a hundred hard swats with his hand when Michelle finally responded. She started to wiggle and kick. She started to protest and cry out.  It was then, and only then, that Connor reached over and grabbed the hairbrush off of the bed. He didn’t miss a beat.

Michelle squealed when the brush crashed down on her already reddened bottom. The change in the pain sent her hand back to defend her poor derrière. “Put that hand back where it goes Michelle.” Connor punctuated the command with an extra hard swat. Michelle obeyed, both hands going flat on the floor in front of her, her hair swarming in her face. She wished she had pulled it back with a hair tie. That thought was super brief as the hairbrush came down quickly covering every inch of her bottom. She wiggled and squirmed from side to side, begging Connor to stop.

Connor knew she wasn’t there where he needed her to be yet. The past few days had been tense with her. She had started to bite his head off over small things and he knew she was past due for an attitude adjustment. He also knew deep down she was hoping to get caught. Connor shifted his leg, lifting her bottom higher and Michelle leaned on her forearms. She knew what was about to happen.

“Baby pleases!” She cried out, “I will listen! I won’t stay up again!” He steeled himself against her cries and brought the brush down sharply right below her reddened cheeks, on pure white flesh, where the leg and buttock met. He swatted her sit spot on both sides for a minute before returning to her butt. He made sure that her entire bottom and down to the very top of her thighs was red and hot.

He felt her let go of the fight, felt her body relax, felt the sobs build and finally release. That was the point where he slowed down. It had taken way longer tonight then it had for a while and he thought about having to reinstate weekly maintenance spankings.  He spoke up, “Michelle when we make a rule together, especially when it is made together, I expect you to follow your end of the bargain. I don’t take lightly to you disobeying and I especially don’t take lightly to you breaking promises” He continue to swat, slowly, as he spoke. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes Sir!” she gasped out. He moved her back down and put the brush on the bed. He wasn’t quite done yet. He always finished her discipline with his hand. It reconnected them. He lifted his palm and flattened her bottom with it. A few more hard swats and he was done. He pulled her up and into her arms, careful to move her so her bottom was not in contact with his thighs. He wiped the tears off of her face and kissed her forehead, knowing how much she loved those types of kisses. She knew she was forgiven and that it was over.
“I have tomorrow off because of the shooting. I’ll take Sean duty in the afternoon so you can catch up on work at the studio.” He said rubbing her back.

“About that shooting…” Michelle said

“I’ll tell you all about it over breakfast in the morning. Let us go to bed.”


Monday, November 4, 2013

The O'Briens Chapter 1

Michelle plopped down onto the couch with a sigh. He was finally asleep... again.  She never knew how exhausting the battle of wills could be with a toddler. She had a hot cup of coffee brewed from her keurig and turned the television on for background noise, settling on, “The Voice” for the music it would add. Reaching up she grabbed her laptop and opened it. Her first stop was Facebook chat to see if her best friend Leslie was awake. Luckily, she was.

“He finally went  back down for you?” Leslie typed

“Yes. Finally.” Michelle responded.

“I am surprised to see you on here, you have, what, ten minutes before you are supposed to be in bed?” Leslie asked

“Yeah. Yeah. Stupid punishment. I’m not worried about it. You and I both know that they won’t be home until tomorrow morning.” Michelle said referring to her husband Connor and Leslie’s husband Mike.

“Well I am going to bed. Some of us don’t have the luxury of owning our own business and being our own bosses.” Leslie said. Michelle knew it was said with love.

“I won’t be up too long. I just plan on editing a few photos from yesterday’s shoot, checking my emails and scheduling some of the clients that emailed me.” Michelle responded, “Maybe a couple hours.”

“Chelle it is already midnight!” Leslie wrote, “Don’t get caught.  Connor won’t take lightly to you disobeying a punishment.”

“Night Les.”

Scanning her friend’s list, Michelle realized she was the only one actively online.
She closed the browser, opened her photoshop and got to work. Meanwhile, Connor was sitting on the stretcher inside of an ambulance.

“This is ridiculous!” He protested. “The bullet hit my vest. I am fine.”

“You know this is policy detective.”  The medic said, “Remove your vest please.” Connor obliged.  His adrenaline was rushing and he was none to happy to be pulled from the scene of a sting they had been working on for months. The perpetrator, feeling trapped, had fired blindly into the hallway, where, leading the charge, Connor had been standing. Luckily, it had been resolved with none of the cops being harmed.

“Hey, the got the guy and with enough evidence to hang him by.” Connor’s partner, Tabitha said, trying to console him. Connor looked at the scene in front of him. What had been a quite, middle class neighborhood had quickly turned into a scene from Law and Order. His best friend Craig was putting one perp in the back of a squad car. There were sirens and lights going from all directions and people started spilling out onto the sidewalks to see what was going on. Connor tried not to roll his eyes when he saw the brass approaching.

“Here we go,” he muttered under his breath so only Tabitha heard.

“Go to the hospital. Get checked out. If you are cleared to go then go home to your wife and son.”

“Captain, I am fine.” Connor said

“Do it O'Brien. I am not asking.” Upon seeing Connor’s nod, Captain Lewis walked off.

“I’ll follow you and take you back to the squad to get your car.” Tabitha said.

Connor looked at his watch and decided against calling Michelle. After all, her bedtime was an hour ago and he didn’t want to wake her. She had been pushing herself entirely too hard as of late. She was run down by the time dinner rolled around at night and by bed she was a shrew. After a near collapse earlier in the week he had given her a bedtime for the week. He hoped she would get some rest and understand how incredibly important sleep was.

The hospital was a waste of time, or at least it was in Connor’s opinion. As he thought he was cleared completely.  He was warned that once he came down from the adrenaline he would feel the pain in his ribs. They weren’t broken, not even fractured, but they were bruised. The doctor wrapped him up and wrote a prescription for a pain medication, that Connor knew he would not be filling.

“Thanks Doc.” He said as he jumped off the table.

“Ready?” Tabitha asked from the hallway

“Absolutely.” They drove back to the station in silence. It was a comfortable silence. They had been working together for the past six years and knew each other fairly well. Although, not even Tabitha was aware of the fact that he and his wife were in a domestic discipline relationship. The only person who knew that locally was Craig and the only reason Craig knew was because Craig was also in the same relationship. Their wives had met in an online chat group for domestic discipline couples and eventually realized their husbands worked together in the force. Connor a detective in the Sexual Victims Unit and Craig a Vice detective. The men joked that it made sense for alpha males to be both cops and head of the houses.

Connor cleared his weapon and changed his shoes before grabbing his keys from his locker. He walked out to his car and began the twenty-minute commute home. It was now two am. Michelle should have been in been two hours ago. He pulled into their driveway, reminding himself to move the ATV that weekend so he could park inside the garage again, before heading inside.

Michelle was proud of herself. She had managed to edit six photos, send out reminder emails, and design a new flyer for her photography studio in two hours.

“Not too bad” she said out loud.

“I would disagree.” Her husband said standing behind her. Michelle jumped, spilling her third cup of coffee all over herself and her keyboard. Connor quickly grabbed a towel from the kitchen counter and tossed it to her.

“Damnit Connor!”

Michelle shrieked, “I hope my keyboard isn’t ruined.”

Connor stood there looking at his wife. “The keyboard should be the least of your worries right now sweetheart.”

Michelle stopped mid motion and looked up. The steel in his voice was enough to catch her attention. “I had work to do.” She fired back. “Sean was up twice tonight and a handful before. I couldn’t get anything done with his teething.”

“We discussed this when I gave you the bedtime. There would be no warnings, no excuses. Finish cleaning up there and then head to the bedroom.” Connor started to walk off. “Bring the hairbrush Michelle and don’t you dawdle.”

Turmoil thoughts

I guess you could say I created a monster. Or, a better analogy would be that I trained a high prey drive dog in K9 work and then locked him in a kennel all day for the rest of his life.

Hmmm. Not sure either analogy really works. 25 months ago we found out we were pregnant. It wasn’t our first pregnancy although we had no live children. I was put on bed rest and a ton of medications, including a shot in the stomach everyday.  Our dd lifestyle starting to disappear. Spanking became worrisome, and there isn’t much one can take away on bed rest. The hormones from the pregnancy both natural and caused by the medications made deciphering the meaning behind my mood swings difficult. Within a short time dd stopped.

15 months ago I give birth to a beautiful, amazing, loving little boy. It was a miracle from God and we cherish him everyday.

Our marriage has been a bit rocky since then. Sleep deprivation, power struggles, and I will be honest, my sudden love of control, has made a once very smooth partnership into an up and down roller coaster. My husband brings up all the time how he wishes we were still using domestic discipline as a tool in our relationship. I find myself thinking about it but I go back and forth in my head, and thus haven’t consented to it.

I have gotten used to having free reign, to doing what I want, when I want, to being a mom which in itself has an entirely different set of expectations and responsibilities. What if I hate dd now? What if he forgot how to be the head of the house? What if I am not ready to give the reigns back over? He brings it up all the time. He wants it back. He yearns for it. He wants the calm harmony we once had and spent years developing.

I… I just don’t know. I think deep down I do as well. I’m tired of fighting. Tired of not even knowing myself anymore. But, I am scared too. I graduated college in May with two Bachelor degrees. One of which had a lot of feminism tossed my way. We even discussed bdsm and dd in the classes. I am, even more so now, afraid of being outed, looked down upon etc. Silly, right?

Pardon my ramblings. I’m working through all this. I’m pretty sure my heart is telling me to allow my husband that role in which I thrust him in while we were dating again. I think, no I know, that is why I have come back to the online community I once loved so.