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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Mess

Everything is a mess right now. Everything. But I quit one of my jobs so I will have more time to blog. Boy I need to blog. I hope to write some later this weekend because sometimes it helps me prioritize and really rethink my life. Right now, I need to. Its spinning and spiraling and I dont like it at all.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Some of my photos from DC

I took a couple pictures on my trip. Hope you enjoy them.
~Jess

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Back from DC

I just returned from my trip to DC. It was bittersweet. My husbands first cousin as well as his good friend died in Afghanistan last week. Arlington as always is humbling and emotional. Our unit lost another soldier and another one of ours lost his leg in Afghanistan this month. Having my husband home cant come soon enough but we have barely just begun the journey into this deployment. I will write more when I have the chance.

Always,
Jess

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Living with PTSD and an Attachment Disorder



Many of you see me as a normal, happy, healthy woman. I am. For the most part. Being normal is quite overrated actually and I really prefer to be abnormal in a quirky sort of way. A lot of you have really seen my insecurities come full circle this year in a way that no one has ever seen. There have been a lot of changes this year that has thrust me fully into triggering my PTSD.

I was diagnosed with PTSD at the age of seven. I was re-diagnosed again as an adult, two separate events, and two separate sets of triggers. I have worked incredibly hard all my life to recognize and deal with the triggers as they come in a healthy way.

I have attachment disorder. I have never been on medication for a mental illness, never been diagnosed with depression, and for what I have gone through in my life that in itself is pretty amazing. I have however, been diagnosed with attachment disorder.

Attachment disorder is a broad term intended to describe disorders of mood, behavio, and social relationships arising from a failure to form normal attachments primary care giving figures in early childhood, resulting in problematic social expectations and behaviors. 

People learn how interpersonal skills starting as children. How they interact with others is dependent on the social circumstances they learned growing up. When my parents abused me and I was taken away and put into foster care I met with a counselor every week. I had to learn that the way my parents had treated me was not right, it was not normal or healthy. That was not what having a parent child relationship was supposed to be about. While they told me that the relationship I had been in before was unhealthy they never showed me what a healthy family home looked like.

My first foster home was physically abusive. I then bounced around foster care from home to home. There was a variety of reasons behind it but I kept being rejected until finally I ended up in a group home. They ran out of foster homes for children and thus I got placed in a home where I was the youngest by four years. I went from a healthy weight there to obese as I fought depression. The institution was far from a healthy place for a child of my age. In addition, the children there ranged from being mental ill (retardation, down syndrome, etc), to being one step away from prison and everything in between. Pretty much every misfit out there whose family didn’t want them or couldn’t handle them ended up there. A bunch of dejected, unloved youths with adults who were more interested in a pay check than the best interest of the children. My so called cabin parents were in their early twenties. I started fourth grade in the group home. It was me , a teacher, and a teacher’s aide. That’s it. Every move I made was tracked. 

Finally I ended up in my adopted home, although I wouldn’t be adopted for a couple years. At best it was emotionally unhealthy and abusive. I was not considered one of the children or family but instead a worker. My job was to take care of the children that my single adopted mother would later adopt. I took care of family and home and in exchange received room and board in one location. The nurses who came in and dealt with my handicap sister often took me aside and told me how it was not right the way I was treated there, but I tried to put forth a face that showed a happy person. Until I graduated from high school I never had a mentor or a good example of what a family unit was supposed to be like. All I saw in my life was people coming and going, never staying, never developing good bonds. I was a mess in high school… I wanted attention, I wanted love, and I would do anything to get it (I never did drugs or had sex until college, however.) I talked too much. I didn’t know how to interact with my peers in a normal healthy way. I didn’t know how normal people acted. I had never experienced that. The most important development age was spent with dysfunctional children in a group home.

In high school my first real boyfriend, Joe was a strong moral man. He had a lot of musical talent and we would spend hours and hours talking on the phone. He promised never to leave me, no matter what happened between us, we would always be friends. We had a clean break up and continued to be friends and talk all the time. Until the night he was driving home and was killed by a truck driver that had fallen asleep behind the wheel.

In college I met this wonderful man, Brian. Brian was an amazing friend. He was a strong Christian and taught me about loving myself. He became like a brother to me. We really got close and spoke about everything. He promised, like everyone before me never to leave. We were both elected to Student Government. We had the same major, went to the same parties, his fraternity was close to my sorority. On Friday November 8th, 2002 Brian and I, with other friends, had dinner together. Brian and I went for a walk and discussed life, as we had many times before. An hour later Brian was found hanging in his fraternity house, he had committed suicide. Moments after telling me he would always be there for me and he loved me. His funeral was one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure.

Five months later, my biological mother died of AIDS.

Do you see a pattern here? I’ve never really been able to get close to people and sustain a long term relationship with them before I have pushed them away. Fear of abandonment attacks me every single time.

A year later I was in a car accident. Hit by a drunk driver. The only survivor. My best female friends were in the car with me. They died on impact.

My husband is the longest relationship I have ever had. He has stood by me during crazy nuts days where I have been so depressed and spent the entire day bawling. He has had to reassure me time and time again that he is not going to leave me. When he deploys it is not of his choosing and I know that he loves me and continues to love me from a million miles away. I get that. But the thought of losing him, losing the only constant I have had, the only support that has consistently been there and not swayed, who has always stayed by me is something I can’t comprehend. The thought of losing him breaks me. I know this is the way it is with many wives, the idea of losing their husband is something incomprehensible and it’s nothing that I go through alone. I try not to think about it, think about him dying. With his deploying to Afghanistan and our unit having a loss so soon in the deployment triggered my disorder and my panic.

In the last year we packed up and left our  prior duty station. Our  prior duty station  is the first place I have lived in my entire life where I felt loved and supported-truly- for being me. I have made friends at all of our duty stations but never any that I continued to talk to on a daily or even weekly basis after we left. There are some I speak with occasionally but nothing like at our last station . I had great friends there, my “family” that we made. They are amazing. But like everything else in my life I assume the friendships would end with us moving, or at least become distance and turn into acquaintances. I never imagined I’d still be in constant, daily contact with them. This is new to me. I normally am able to keep people at arm’s length and when I move the communication slows down and eventually dies or lingers to a couple times a year phone call/email. So far, almost a year into this move, I am still in contact with my sisters that I made there and it feels great.

My husband has deployed before. It didn’t trigger these symptoms last time because we had developed a strong, long lasting, bond of support before he left. I had a good job, I had great friends etc. Also note, I am not weak. I am not desperate. I can take care of myself with my husband deployed, have no fear of that. I am quite capable of living a healthy, happy, productive life when is gone. This does not affect my day to day life or the ability to support myself. I am just trying to explain the way I am and the way I think.

Because of how fast things happened in *my state*  both my PTSD and my Attachment Disorder was triggered. My husband returned from Iraq in late September, in November he missed Thanksgiving and went on a VIP mission, and in December our house was packed. We travelled across country and he in processed here February 10th. He was gone months out of that time, we  had multiple members of his family and three sets of our friends from our prior duty station visit all since arriving here. And then he deployed. We had very little time together to get settled, to make a life here and then he was gone. Within the first month of deployment one of his friends came home after being injured in an attack, another died, both from our tiny unit. It made this very real in a very short amount of time. I was forced with the fact, like all the other spouses in our unit, which our husbands might not come home. It is something we can’t focus on, we can’t dwell on, we have to move forward and be positive for our husbands and for ourselves. For someone with attachment disorder it is a major trigger however.

I feel all alone here. I am scared to reach out. I am scared to develop bonds, scared of losing them. I have kept everyone here at arm’s length. I have spent minimal time with multiple people in hopes to prevent future pain from losing them, whether it is from distance or death. And I have no one to blame but myself for being so lonely now. I make excuses to not see or socialize with people. I can’t have it both ways. I can either not develop long term friendships out of fear of loss or I can and see what happens. That terrifies me. Having to make that choice is hard.

Having attachment disorder means I purposely keep people at arm’s length. It means I push people away. It means that I see things that aren’t there- I perceive myself to be socially awkward, I perceive my outgoing nature to be a bad thing. I am paranoid people dislike me, I read too much into body language, tones, and words and see things that aren’t there. It is hard for me to know that I am liked. I don’t believe that I am loved. If I was loved why would everyone leave? It is a like an anorexic with distorted body image. I often feel like I am imposing, that I am bothering people. Then I apologize. Then people get upset with me being insecure and apologizing, and my insecurity and apologies in turn pushes them away, which in turn justifies my belief that I am not meant to have relationships with people.

For example, if a friend has to change plans with me, I wonder to myself if they don’t like me anymore. Instead of hearing that a friend is sick and can’t make it to lunch I automatically jump to the conclusion that they don’t like me. I have to battle that, I have to talk myself down from it, I have to walk away from that ledge and talk myself out of believing that they don’t like me and into believing that they are sick. I worry about the things I say, will it turn people off? I worry about the amount I talk. I worry about statements I say, innocently, will people hear them and walk away, reject me?

I have days, months, sometimes years when the triggers are big and I come across as paranoid and insecure. Then there are days, months and years when I appear perfectly normal. Like anyone else with PTSD triggers can hit at anytime and have to be dealt with on an ongoing basis.

Some of you who have been friends with me for years are wondering what the heck is going on. I get asked all the time lately, by those of you who know me most, if I am ok. Because this side of me is not something you are used to. You’re not used to me apologizing for everything. Those of you who have met me during this phase you might think that Im nuts. Wondering why Im constantly insecure about friendships. Now you know.

I want to make friendships. Long, lasting friendships that turn out to be more like family then friends. I really do. The point is sometimes I have to fight myself and the negative thinking. Its not as easy as just not thinking these things. Its not black and white. It’s a lot more complicated.

I am working really hard at overcoming these things. I am trying to see things how they are. This is me. I am insecure and awkward. I am strong and confident. I don’t have multiple personalities, I have triggers. Triggers I have to work with and face head on. I have demons. Not everyone can stand to be friends with someone like me. But there you have it. That’s who I am. If you can deal awesome. If you cant, well to be honest, I suspect most people cant and will disappear. That’s the biggest part of all of this. I have a really hard time attaching out of fear of losing. It takes a strong person to stand by me and continue to be my friend when I push people away. I appreciate all of you who are still here supporting me.

Monday, October 4, 2010

People Change

I debated posting this. It has a lot of very personal information in it. But I decided to because really it is how I feel and I am tired of judgmental people.

A lot of things have occurred recently that has made me think. How often have you heard the phrase, “Once a (fill in the blank) always a (fill in the blank).” People are way too quick to judge other people. I firmly believe that it is a personal choice to let your past dictate your future. It is not important to me what a person has experienced in their lives but what they do with what they’ve experienced. Making a mistake does not make you a bad person. It gives you the opportunity to learn, to grow and yes even to change.

I was abused as a child. Horrifically. Both my mother and my step father ended up in prison serving long terms for the abuse I suffered. My step father had sexual abused me and that abuse turned into rape as I got older. I’ve got scars from his physical abuse; stabbing and burning me. My mother was often away from the house prostituting herself, to get money to pay for her cocaine habit. To many people these two would be considered poor excuses of humanity and would be written off as bad.

I spent much of the next years bouncing around foster care and being required to visit my parents in maximum secured prisons in Chicago. I missed a lot of school going back and forth to the prisons. And guess what, my mother changed. Once she was in prison she was able to get help for mental health issues, addiction and anger problems. She has spent much of her life on drugs and addicted to men. In an all women’s prison she was forced to face her demons. Turns out she was rather intelligent. While in prison she got clean, earned her GED and then earned her vet tech license. My step father killed himself in prison when I was ten years old. I will never know if he would have changed. My mom finally signed her rights over to me when I was fourteen. However, we stayed in contact until she died.

As much as she learned from her past, learned what not to do, learned and grew as a person she could not outrun her past. She had H.I.V. she was not sure if it was from the prostitution or the sharing of needles. Eventually the H.I.V. progressed into AIDS. When she became sick with pneumonia the fight for her life failed and she died. It was at her funeral and memorial that I became reunited with some of my biological family.

My mother had been writing me since she had given up her rights. I had gotten to know her and to forgive her. Forgiving her was much easier than forgiving my step father. I eventually forgave him too, the forgiveness was more for myself then for him. I couldn’t continue to have those negative feelings weighing down my shoulders.

I know people have the ability to change. They have the ability to overcome their circumstances and to grow. They can learn from their mistakes, big or small, and move forward in such a way where they allow good to come from what had been bad. It is possible.

My mother changed. She was a convicted felon. She changed her outlook on life, her attitude, her self esteem. She changed everything. But she couldn’t out run some of the consequences of her past- namely having H.I.V. Sometimes the things we do in the past continue to haunt us during our day to day activities. My mom had to take a ton of medication and her health dwindled. But even as she had that constant reminder she was able to stay positive and keep being the new person she was. She didn’t give into the past but continued to grow despite the past.

I was an abused child. The system failed me. I bounced around foster care. I’ve never been part of a loving family. It is what it is. I don’t allow that to affect my day to day life. I have never been arrested, I have never abused anyone, and I have succeeded in life in my own ways. I have compassion for others. I am not bitter and angry. I do not use it as a crutch or an excuse for bad behavior. I have never once tried an illegal drug, or even a cigarette. I recognize the fact that my family had an addiction problem and I’ve learned from my mother’s mistakes and refuse to repeat them or repeat the cycle. I have every excuse in the world to be dysfunctional, the things I have seen, the people who have hurt me have given me that right. Or have they? Do you ever have the right to hurt another person or to do things that you know are wrong? I don’t think so. I don’t get to abuse a young, innocent child just because I was abused. That does not give me an excuse to hurt a weaker person. Period. End of story. I don’t care what has happened to you or what you have done in the past, you know as an adult what good behavior is.

I also know that my past affects me every single day. I battle PTSD. I battle insecurity. I have attachment disorder and a real problem accepting love. I carry those around like my mother carried around H.I.V. But I learn from my past. I learn from the pain and I use it to help other people and to help myself. Mistakes do not have to be regrets. Mistakes can be learning tools and can be building blocks to a successful future.

I understand our pasts help shape our futures. But we each have the opportunity to decide how they will affect us. You can grow and change and evolve from it or you can dwell and focus on it and repeat the past. I do not believe that once a person is “bad” or act in a bad way that they will always be bad. I believe that every person has the ability to change and simply needs to own up to their behavior and face it head on. As adults we run out of excuses, we know right from wrong. Stop making excuses for behavior and start changing it. Anyone can start over, anyone; no matter what you have done wrong, because each day is the opportunity for a new beginning.
I am not a judgmental person. My friends come from all walks of life, all circumstances.

Some of my closest friends have past that include drug usage, jail time, failed marriages, teenage pregnancies. I do not care what you did in your past. To me your present and your future are more important. Who you are today is more important to me than who you were ten years ago. Being a good person now, having learned from the mistakes of the past, is what matters to me. If you are a good friend to me, honest, loyal and caring I will return the favor.

Friday, September 24, 2010

SSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOO Busy!!

But hoping to be able to post more later :) Wanted to through a quick GOOD NEWS post out!!

My darling husband made the promotion list for 1st of October!! WOOOT!!! YAY!!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Just a note...

I haven’t blogged for awhile and I apologize for that. Things have been kind of crazy around here. First, we had a soldier in my husband’s unit die and another one injured. My husband’s unit is pretty small and many of us are like family. It took a lot out of us especially this soon into a deployment.


Then, I have been working three jobs and volunteering at two different places. Matthew wasn’t happy about that and had me quit one of my jobs. I barely had time to eat, sleep or write. It’s a good thing I didn’t run myself ragged.

I plan on coming back to journaling and I hope everyone is ready for me to be back. I also want to keep writing in both of my stories…

Monday, August 30, 2010

Grumpy

I am a grumpy grumpy bear today. I had to go to the doctor. See, about two weeks ago I was cleaning my ear with a q tip when my female German Shepherd jumped up on me, pushing it into my ear. Ive had pain for the last two weeks, along with bleeding and finally a fever. I went to the doctor today after Matthew pretty much told me there would be no excuses for not going (did I mention he wasn't at all happy about the fact that I waited two weeks to tell him about it) My primary care made me go see an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. Its nothing too serious, just have to take a strong dose of antibiotics and come back in a week. I also did a semi physical at the doctors office today. Have to go in tomorrow to get blood work done to test my thyroid, cholesterol and blood sugar levels :( No fun!

In addition communication has really sucked recently in Afghanistan. I know I am not being ignored or mistreated and its not his fault at all but it is still extremely frustrating.I cant call and talk to him when I want, I cant even text him. It stinks a lot! I miss my husband and I want him home. I know he is there fighting for the greater good and I love him dearly for that. I'm just having a selfish moment here.

I don't know what has gotten into me anymore but I'm having such a rebellious streak. I know the right things to do but I am having such an issue doing them. I know I need to take care of myself but I find no motivation in doing it. I thought getting another job would help. It would keep me busy and I wouldnt have to think. But really I am thinking. I am thinking way too much and Im just feeling... lost

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Needing a spanking…

Note: I am absolutely not speaking about a discipline spanking nor an erotic spanking in this blog. There is a difference to me.

Recently someone emailed me and told me I need a psychologist because my wants were abnormal and wrong. That I was mentally ill for submitting to my husband and for allowing him to discipline me when I've earned it. That I was unstable and obviously confused for believing that those were things I wanted in my life.

So how about this one?

I need a spanking.

Need. Sometimes when I have a need I start to doubt myself, my wiring, my sanity. Who needs to submit? Who needs to obey? Who needs to be spanked? Yeah, this girl right here.

It is not a want. It is not a sexually driven hormonal seeking orgasmic release. It is an emotional release, a deep down, underneath all of these walls that I built up around me. I don't know if I can put it into words for anyone to understand but for me it sort of works to center me. The spanking, the right kind, not the playful kind, not a discipline one, but a long, built up, breaking one gets past were words and emotions just don't do it.

The struggle starts when I am in position. Whether it is over a knee or across a piece of furniture. It's a mind tease of sorts, because I am laying myself, purposely, into a place where I know the pain will be. When the spanking starts I am rebelling inside (and sometimes outside with my words). The warmth builds and my legs start kicking, or my arms start flailing. I am often extremely self conscience at this point and more worried about the cottage cheese on my thighs showing, the dimples in my butt, the love handles… and Im not even focused on what is actually going on.

As the intensity builds, an implement is added, the sit spot or thighs focused on I begin to realize something is happening here. Hey, wait a moment, I don't have control over what is going on. Then it dawns on me, this is actually starting to hurt. The pain starts to jar something inside. It really starts to tear down those aforementioned walls.

I tend to hide my emotions. I bottle them up and let them go and go and go until I am either exploding in a not so healthy self destructive way or I am finding another release. For me, spanking, has been that great release. The lack of control, the ability to submit to it, the way it breaks down the layers bit by bit, it puts me in the right head space.

And once I am in that head space I can face my demons head on. I can start to feel the things that I had been putting off conquering. I can let myself feel the loneliness of having a husband a thousand miles away in a war zone, the frustration of moving across country and not having a support group built up here, the anger at myself for the stupid shit I have done in the past couple weeks, the disgust I sometimes feel at the way I look, the amount I weigh, the stress I have from working three jobs and taking care of everything the house needs by myself, the lost I feel at not having a family support network to lean back into…

I can make that list above and not feel a single emotion as I type them out. I can read and reread it and it doesn't faze me. But let me think about it as I am in a submissive position with someone else controlling what is going on to me physically and I can analyze, think, and most importantly feel what's going on in my life. I can then cry. I can then work on and move past it. I have a need for my physical and emotion selves to meet.

If that means that I am psychotic, need therapy or what not then that's what it means. Personally, I think it was just the way I am made and if I was made this way who am I to argue with it?

All I can figure is that I know many people who are the same way as I am, some get the release from whips, some from needle play, some from sex. So maybe Im not a freak after all.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Owned

(We practice DD yes, but we also practice D/s. Here is something I wrote about my submission to my husband.)


I kneel at your feet, head bowed, eyes down. You reach down and cup my chin, lifting my face meeting my eyes with yours. You see adoration, submission, respect, and love shining clearly through from my soul. I see dominance, love, determination, pride, and joy shining through yours. You stroke my hair and I shiver from the pure anticipation of your touch.

When we began this your desires were made clear. You wanted a slave, not a doormat. You wanted a human with emotions, not a robot or a puppet. You wanted property that you would value, not get bored with and quickly cast aside. You demanded that I speak my mind and that I always be true to myself in doing so I would be true to you. You don’t demand respect that was earned with time and trust.

I needed a strong man, confident and intelligent who would accept my gift of submission completely. Who would guide me, along life’s path, and would honor my desire to serve him. A man who would tread carefully with my heart and emotions. Who would demand that I give all and would patiently tear down my walls. A man who would push my boundaries, but not cross them, who would grow with me and be my leader. A man who would open me up to a world of endless possibilities, claim my heart, dominate my body and challenge my mind. I found that man, my Master in you.

I know you are responsible for me and in that I am your property. You treat me in such a way that your investment will shine, prosper and last. As in any item that is owned of great value you put time in my upkeep, energy in keeping me at my prime. Broken, I would do little for you. Well oiled and maintained I serve you well.

I occasionally malfunction but you have the tools and the ability to fix me and set me straight again. My joy comes in knowing that I am yours to do what you want with. Knowing, you would never truly hurt me, never ask more than what I could give, never demand more than what I could be. You know me more than I know myself, you see in me much more than I could ever fathom, and you know all my weaknesses but accept me anyway.

Every action I take belongs to you, every thought I hold, every word I speak all yours to claim, to control if you so wished. Knowing this keeps me going down the right path, truly desiring nothing more than to serve and make you proud. My every movement is to please you and in doing so it pleases me to my very core.

I serve you voluntarily. I consent to your ownership. You own me because at one time I gave you permission to do so. A permission you understand I would never take back for it was not given lightly. You do not hold my life over my head, you do not beat me into submission, and you do not manipulate me into staying. I am free to go if I ever so decided, but I stay out of my own free will. It is my gift to you. My acceptance of your terms. My completely surrender to your will.

I am owned by you and I am happy.
Copyrighted by Spanked Army Wife,  8/27/10

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Schedule and Meal Plan

Early this morning I was speaking with a submissive on fetlife. She asked me how we do our daily schedules and our meal plans. Well, I make them a week in advance. I get them approved by Matthew and any changes must be made with permission. If I cant get ahold of him I can use "good judgement" but he has let me know that I am to be held responsible for these changes so to tread lightly.

Weekly Schedule
Meal Plan

Monday, August 23, 2010

Why DD

Someone asked this is another group. Here is my answer to why we practice dd. This is the short and sweet of it :) Im a list person by the way!


Because I recognize my weaknesses and I respect his strengths.
Because I am flighty and often disorganized.
Because I get butterflies in my stomach and weak in the knees knowing he is in charge.
Because it has opened communication.
Because it has reduced fights and tension.
Because it keeps me grounded.
Because having one person make the final decisions just makes sense.
Because there are no more power struggles
Because its satisfying
 Because I need it
Because the release helps me
Because I internalize everything
Because it was the best solution for us
Because I crave structure Because I crave discipline
Because it clarifies things for us and helps us break free from the chaotic world and concentrate on each other
Because I struggle with self esteem issues
Because I struggle with self control
Because I struggle with motivation
Because he is strong
Because he is organized
Because he can admit his weaknesses and mistakes
Because he is a natural leader and naturally dominant
Because for us it feels so natural and right
Because he knows me better than I often know myself
Because the intensity and communication in our relationship has grown so much



And... Because IT WORKS!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just desserts...

Sometimes I absolutely hate the internet in Afghanistan. It makes speaking with Matthew so difficult. I am being disciplined for not taking care of myself- specifically my eating and my sleeping habits. So Matthew had implemented a two weeks of a bedtime of 10pm. Last week I had a dinner planned for Saturday night with several girlfriends whose husbands are also deployed to be held at our house.  Matthew graciously allowed me to stay up later that night because I had a great week and he was proud of me. I had discussed with him this Saturday (yesterdays) dinner- Saturday night dinners are a tradition for the five of us whose husbands are in the same unit- and I had completely misunderstood. He was implying that if I had a good week I could stay later (we normally hang out until about Midnight or so) but if not I had to be in bed by 10.

Well, this week was a hard one for me. I had no problem with the bedtime because I have started a new job that required me waking at 4am. The problem came with meals. I had a horrible time trying to get the energy up to feed myself properly. The desire to cook is just NOT there. So he has given me a week of no desserts, snacks or sweets but instead well balanced, home cooked meals. To start today. My menu plan goes to him and gets approved weekly. I have it in by Friday and he has it back to me by Sunday. I do it a week out so he has time to access and approve.

I told a girlfriend of mine about dd as we shopped yesterday. I trust her completely. She is also a police officer. She wasn’t shocked, she said we have a very 50’s lifestyle, and in fact she thought it was awesome! TTWD is not for everyone but she was extremely supportive. She didn’t see it as abusive or anything!! In fact she completely disagrees with the laws on domestic violence including and dd, or bdsm, or any mutual consenting physical etc. We spoke about the recent drama in the blog-sphere and she was disgusted by the reactions of the so called Christians and the way they reacted and actually was on our side!  I was so relieved. I really can’t talk to her about everything of course, but her just knowing our dynamic was very relieving to me.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I went shopping and I told her about the no dessert rule to start today. She said, that meant we should have extra dessert so that I wouldn’t miss it as much. What a great plan! So we had dessert with lunch (lemon cake), ice cream in-between shopping (Pinkberry) and at dinner we had a brownie with ice cream. It was yummy. But, when Matthew got online last night and I wasn’t home he wasn’t too pleased. Apparently I misunderstood and I was supposed to be home at 10. This last week I wasn’t as good as the week before and hadn’t earned staying late at my friends.

Here lies the problem- I was confused because it wasn’t clear. In addition I rode with my girlfriend and had no way to get home. He was on yahoo messenger which is set to my phone. He was not happy at all. He said I should have planned better and if I was confused that I should have asked and had it clarified. Of course, I told him it was his fault I was confused. He told me I had better read my chat logs again. Sigh. And there it was clear as day “If you are good I will think about it” I guess I should have asked.

He told me if he was in country he would have picked me up, lectured me on the way home and paddled my butt when we got home. Since he is not home he will come up with an appropriate punishment. He asked me what we ate and I told him about the three desserts. He seems to think that it broke one of our expectations: responsibility. In addition, he thinks I was taking advantage of the fact that he allowed the no dessert week to start Sunday. I really disappointed him L That makes me really sad.

He also told me he found it a bit comical. I haven’t been bratty in years, and in a way he misses some of that, and the three desserts was simply put- bratty. I know if he was here he wouldn’t have been overly distressed over the desserts. Missing my curfew, that’s another situation all together.

When hes home its disciplined and over within a good time frame. I always feel forgiven and cherished after. When hes deployed the drawn out time is such a pain in the butt! I hate it! I just want to get it over and have a clean slate. Sad.

Matthew said that my girlfriend is going to be trouble, but in a good way. He really likes her and at first was hesitant that I told her since she is a cop. I reminded him that I too was a cop. Albeit in the Army Reserves as an MP. He trusts her though so that’s good. With everything that has happened in the blog sphere lately it’s a good thing that he does J

I guess I am off the hook for having an abusive asshole husband because he is gone. (The haters who recently attacked my friends blog called her husband an abusive asshole.) Thus any discipline he dishes out from thousands of miles away I have to clearly consent too because I am the one following through on it. 

Saturday, August 21, 2010

SO ANGRY!

Edit and note: I approve all comments before they are posted on here. I prefer the support for Brinlee go to Brinlees blog so I know she gets it :)


Dear Readers,
I am one angry angry person at the moment. Someone decided to post a friends dd blog on facebook,  making fun of it, which in turn meant other people blogged about it and they have gotten a lot of hate filled comments recently. In addition to that, the judgmental righteous attitudes of these people sicken me. It is people like this that make many of us have to hide our relationships and justify them. I was speaking with Brinlee last night and I was so hurt for her having to go through the pain this people have havocked on her and Parker.
Below are some of the comments I have left.

Here is the link to the blog where they attacked Brinlee. Please offer her support and encouragement.

Here is the two links 1.  and   2.  of people who have posted their opinions on the matter. Id appreciate support on our side, especially if you can do so in a respectful, educated manner. We don’t want to give them more fuel for the fire.

Thanks,
Jess
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My comments:

I do not appreciate how several people came on to Brinlees blog with such hate filled judgement over a consenting lifestyle that makes them (and my husband and I) happy. The judgmental accusations were really hurtful, not only to Brinlee, but to those of us who love and consent to this relationship dynamic.
My husband is a strong, brave, and amazing man. He would NEVER abuse a child nor would he ever abuse me. Everything he does is done out of love and calm, cool demeanor. There is a major difference between an adult and a child and he is intelligent enough to know the difference. To imply that Parker would hurt a child simply because he meets the needs of his consenting and adult wife is asinine and rather insulting.
Those in the domestic discipline community support each other and love each other. We have some of the strongest marriages around. Our marriages are based on trust, understanding and communication. One partner leads and the other follows. We are not doormats, but we have opinions and voices. The key here is that we are consenting adults. We do not feel scared, bitter and afraid for our lives after a spanking. Women who are abused are scared for their lives. Unlike us, we feel loved, forgiven and close to our husbands after being disciplined (and during all times, not just after discipline) we are not afraid of them, we do not fear that they will hurt us. A spanking is hardly the same thing as being punched in the face.
Hate is not something that is going to advance our society. The hatred towards gays for instance, where they felt that hiding their lifestyle was the only possible way to go because of the judgement and hate of those who didnt understand.

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There are thousands of couples who practice domestic discipline in this country. Thousands. I belong to many forums and chats with other couples like Brinlee and Parker.

Some things you dont know:
1. It is normally the woman who introduces dd into their marriage. She normally asks for it and wants it.

2. Many dd couples are made up of police officers, military, doctors, lawyers, PSYCHOLOGIST, priest, teachers etc. There is a wide span of career fields involved. Most DD couples are upper middle-class.

3. The relationship is completely consenting.

4. The discipline is not abuse. It is a SPANKING which by the way if you look at many of the older John Wayne movies they had dd scenes in them. DD has been around for generations. In the 50s it was commonplace for a husband to spank a wife if she was out of line. Spanking is not abuse. DD head of houses do not spank out of anger, but cool down first. They do not punch, slap or hurt their spouses in anyway accept on their bottoms. Yes, non corporal punishment is often applied as well. But remember- the wife WANTS this in her life.

5. There are many women who are truly being abused out there. They are being punched, kicked, bitten, stabbed etc. THESE are the woman who need help. They are not asking their husband "Please punch me in the stomach." We ask our husband "Please spank me, Sir."

6. It is none of your damn business. Brinlee and Parker have been open to their family and their friends about their relationship. If someone thought that Parker was abusing Brinlee they would have already called the police. There are plenty of people around on a daily basis who KNOW of the couples love for each other, and the way they choose to run their marriage who could have gotten them the so called "help" they needed if they thought she was being abused.

7. In a country as free as America where any religion can practice, any sexual orientation can live knowing the law protects them against hate crimes, all races and ethnicities dwell together in the same melting pot, the lifestyle preferences between two grown adults should be protected. Whether it be dd, master/slave, or any other type of BDSM. They arent hurting you, he isnt hurting her, so get over your self righteous judgmental high horses (and not everyone is a Christian who believes this by the way!!) and do something more productive with your lives- if you must interfere find a child or a woman who is really being abused and help them. Volunteer your abundant time on the internet with CASA.
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My husband and I are in the same exact relationship as Brinlee and Parker. We have been practicing DD for seven years. We have an open, honest, and amazing relationship full of love and respect. We have better communication then many of the other couples that are around us. He has absolutely never abused me, has my consent. This relationship may not work for everyone but instead of being condescending, judgmental and obnoxious how about finding something better to do with your time? Your hate and your disgust will not change our minds on the beauty and love that exists between couples in a domestic discipline relationship. It is closed minded ignorance like yours, spewing about things you dont know about, that make many of us feel we need to hide such a beautiful thing in our lives. There is nothing wrong with our desires, our needs and our commitment to each other.

Brinlee- ignore the haters. We are here for you and support you and Parker in your choices and your lifestyle.

Jess
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No, I do not spank my husband. In our relationship there is ONE head of the house and he has control. Just like a child does not spank a parent. A teacher does not get a dention from a student. A cop does not get a ticket from a civilian. Authority enforces the rules.

We have to hide it because unforunately, people like you misjudge and are hateful. We hate to hide it in our life specifically because the Army has a zero tolerance policy to any "alternative" lifestyle be it bdsm, homesexual, poly or whatnot. My husband could, as ridiculous as it is, get into trouble for something I brought into our marriage, I introduced him to, I desire and need, and I want.

We are consenting adults living our lives the way we wish. Why cant you just leave us alone?
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Friday, August 20, 2010

Not so Cocoa Puffs.

Matthew was able to get online sometime between when I feel asleep and tonight. He had read my “Cocoa Puffs” blog and well was not impressed with my decision for dinner. He knows I can cook (I have a food blog with tons of recipes that I make during the year) and really thought it was unacceptable replacement for what I had listed. I was going to have leftovers but there are no leftovers. So for the next week I have to make a from scratch balanced dinner every night- no frozen foods, prepared foods or boxed. Completely from scratch. Leftovers can be eaten for lunch but not dinner. In addition to that I can’t have any dessert or sweets ALL WEEK! Eeek! No fun.

 I think part of me wanted him to assert his authority and that’s why I ate and confessed to eating something I knew deep down he wouldn’t agree with for a dinner. Honestly, I’m not even allowed to eat just a bowl of cocoa puffs for any meal, including breakfast. I don’t know why I felt like testing him, perhaps because he is so far away? I mean the testing part of our relationship ended years ago. Or maybe it’s because I just needed to feel his authority since I cant see him. I don’t know but I accept the consequences for my behavior and will try harder to make responsible eating choices.

He sent me an email that I really appreciated. Every now and again I feel like I am weird for having the desire to be in a domestic discipline relationship. Sometimes when Ive tried broaching the subject with friends I have been totally put down, told my husband is abusive, told I am sick, told that I have “daddy issues” etc. I guess maybe it’s because most of the 27 year old women that I know embrace liberal feminism and just cant wrap their mind around the concept. I am one of the few conservative women that I have met in this age category.
Anyway, Matthew said this in his email to me, “You are mine. I am going to do what you need and there is no taking it back.”(he reassures me of this whenever I get in these moods… although if I really truly desired to be done with it I know he would rather have me as a vanilla wife then no wife at all. He also knows when I am in a mood.) “Your wires aren’t screwed up cause if they are so are mine. I am going to be diligent with the task you have trusted me with. I am going to hold us to it our desires I love you.” Sometimes I get scared of being a doormat. I have way too much of a personality for that. He writes in the same email, “Trust you won’t be a robot. I don’t want that nor will I ever want that. What I want is your opinion on all matters given with a respectful attitude and your submission with an occasional side of battiness. Love forever”

Matthew isn’t one of many words. He is often called a bear at work, his growl is worst than his bite (will maybe not the bite of the paddle haha). He is a bigger man 6’0, 200lbs a lot of that muscle. He is friendly to everyone and just has one of the biggest inviting attitudes I have ever met. When he devotes himself to something and gives his word he means it. So I know he means what he says about staying our route. If it has worked so well why change it? You know? It seems like the beginning of every deployment or long time apart I question things. Every single time. He reassures me and we make it work, despite the distance and lack of communication. I love him for that (and many other reasons too)

Only in relationships with complete trust and understanding can a domestic discipline method work. I have that with Matthew and I need to stop questioning my desire, no my need for this lifestyle, and start accepting it as a vital part of who I am. 

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Cocoa Puffs

 got asked earlier how we maintain our relationship with thousands of miles separating us. I can say that it is difficult for me not to be able to text/call my husband whenever I want to. I cannot call when something good happens or something bad happens. I can only wait for him to have time to contact me. I never know when that is going to be and sometimes its long periods of time between conversations.




One way my hoh keeps me feeling like he is around is by giving me tasks to fulfill. I have to send him a weekly meal plan and schedule. Changes to these must be granted permission and when this cant be done I must have a good excuse for changing it or I will be in trouble. He does this for two reasons 1. To maintain some sort of dominant presence in the household and 2. Because I really suck at taking care of myself. I am great at taking care of other people I just suck at taking care of myself. When he was deployed to Iraq a year ago I had issues with this. I love to cook but I hate cooking for myself. I tend to slack on that end and go for easy outs instead. I was staying up all hours of the night and then exhaustion was kicking in.

We don’t have rules in our house but behavioral expectations. There are three things that we expect from each other, mutually. He is great at being an example. The first is safety: never put yourself or anyone else in danger. The second: respect. Show respect to other people and myself. The third is responsibility: be responsible in actions and words. Pretty self explanatory. In the beginning of our relationship I spent a lot of time over his knee, over the side of the couch, bent over the table for being a brat, disrespectful or plain foolish. Lately it’s been maybe twice a year. Right now he is deployed.



How does he punish me from overseas? He has a variety of ways. Recording punishments on camera and sending them to him can assure I have followed through. Buying a newspaper that day and holding it up first can accurately date it. I have had to handwrite lines and essays, stand in the corner, go to bed early, wash my mouth out and once I had to use ginger EEEEKK.

Honestly though, I am normally very well behaved. In the last six months I had only been disciplined once. Matthew has been gone for only two weeks and I am already having issues. I desire to submit to him, to be the strong, loving woman he knows me to be. Yet, I really really have issues when he is gone. Urgh. I wish I wasn’t so impulsive sometimes.

I desire and need the discipline in our lives. It really helps me think before I act. It helps me think before I speak (a big thing for me!) and it keeps me accountable. Seeing him there in front of me is a great reminder, when he’s gone the temptation is soooo much bigger. I love being submissive to him, letting him lead and doing this two step dance that fits us like a glove. I adore having him as the head of the house. He adores that I am not a doormat but a thinking, talking, opinion expressing, educated woman that defers to his final say. I love the fact that he is man enough to hold me accountable, to discipline out of love and to have that clean slate after each correction is made.

This works for us. It works better when he is home.



Tonight for dinner I had a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

 
Email: spankedarmywife@gmail.com

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

His Hands


I truly love my husband’s hands. They are calloused and masculine from years of working construction and now from being in the Army. Yet, they can be so gently and loving. When he puts his hand on the small of my back to guide me through a doorway I feel completed. His hand holding mine as we walk, or squeezing them under the table makes me feel safe. The discipline he brings from them helps me to center myself, forgive myself of the guilt I internalize, and get a fresh start. The things that man can do to me in the bedroom with his hands is a little graphic for this post. Needless to say, I just really love him and his hands.
His hands hold mine when I am afraid
Giving me strength to face my fears
His hands comfort me when I am sad
Giving my soul nourishment
His hands embrace me when I am broken
Healing me and putting back the pieces
His hands guide me when I’m lost
Setting me back on track
His hands discipline me
Centering me back to my happy place
His hands stroke my breast
Giving me pleasure
His hands enter my body
Claiming me as his
His hands own me
Body and soul

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13th.


Today was a great day. Im a bit exhausted so Im just going to do a bullet blog today. Tomorrow, I will expand more on today’s events.

- Woke up at 6am. Did two loads of laundry.
- Spoke with my husband this am. Made me very happy
- My waterlogged phone turned on and I can text perfectly with it. Calling, not so much but definitely can text
- They found my birth certificate and it is enroot to me. I can now apply for a passport.
- Turned down the receptionist job third interview=work for free for eight hours. After the cons overpowered the pros.
- Met an online friend who recently moved to Colorado and her two adorable children and dog.
- Interviewed for a nanny position. Got the job. I start on Sunday night. Three boys and a golden retriever.
- Went to a friend’s house who is out of town to check on things. Found that the fridge has stopped working. Cleaned that out for her so she wouldn’t have to come back to a smelly house.
- Planned out my meals for the next two weeks. Made a shopping list.
- Took myself out to Chinese. Managed to not spill the leftovers on my way out!
- Went to Walmart on payday (what was I thinking?!) and got groceries. This time I remembered my reusable bags! Woohoo
Overall it has been an absolutely productive day. I am very excited about my new job. The boys are really sweet although the parents warned me that they are a handful. One has aspergers. It seems like I have been meeting and working with a lot of children with special needs lately. I have a heart for it and the patience. The family is dual military so my hours are from 5am to 830 am and 330pm to 6pm every day. To some people this meet seem extreme especially in the morning but I am excited about it. It is perfect for me. I can still work my other job at the insurance company one day a week, write my articles for the newspaper, run all my errands and work out at the gym everyday while the boys are in school. The family has also asked that I watch the boys when school is out for whatever reason for extra hourly pay on top of my salary. I said sure after all I am saving up for R&R with my husband. The boys are 5, 7 and 10. Very energetic. Ive already thought of a plan on how to keep them busy so they stay out of trouble. Im looking forward to the challenge.
I am still having a bit of an issue with hubby being deployed. I always feel like I am spinning out of control when hes gone. He had me do a couple tasks today. I had to come up with a food plan to follow for the next two weeks with specific daily meals. I did this, emailed it to him, got it approved and went shopping for the ingredients. I also had to come up with a daily schedule which I also emailed to him. I don’t think hes had a chance to open it yet. It includes my new work schedule, gym schedule etc. He was not happy with yesterday so he gave me a bedtime for the next two weeks. Which I cant say I didn’t earn. I am really hoping this new job centers me some.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Murphy!!


Anything that can possibly go wrong, does. – Murphy Every had one of those days?
Today was governed, ruled and dominated by Mr. Murphy himself. When my husband was at school they had a statue named “Murphy” that they left “sacrifices” for. I wish there was one here. Especially after today. I am for the first time, a little tiny bit glad my husband is not here to ask me how my day was. I am afraid I would burst into tears, yell or tell him to go away, lol. It has been THAT bad.
Everything I am about to say is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I spoke with my husband online last night for a few minutes at about ten pm my time. It was a very short ten minute conversation. At that point I was supposed to go to bed. Well I went to bed. That lasted all of fifteen minutes. I couldn’t sleep at all. I got back up and played around online for awhile hitting the bed about 130 in the morning.
I got up at seven thirty to get ready for work. I forget to sign into yahoo and I miss my husband getting on yahoo messenger by about two minutes. After my shower I get dressed for work. I go downstairs and get a mug of coffee, go up the stairs and spill it all over the khakis I just put on. Frustrated, I change clothes.
After letting the dogs inside I do get to speak with my husband via yahoo messenger for a couple of minutes. As my dogs wrestle around in the kitchen they knock over their water bowel getting water everywhere. I throw my hands up in frustration and say out loud “I just need to get in the car and go.” The key word there is car. My female, now covered in water, runs and jumps on me getting wet, dirty paw prints all over both my black pants and my white shirt. Up the stairs I go to change clothes, again.
Finally I am on my way to work but running late I am speeding a little bit. I don’t realize that school just started and that I am going 40 in a school zone until I see the lights flashing behind my car. You’ve got to be kidding me!! The police officer was nice enough to just give me a warning since no children were present and it was only the first week of school.
After work I come home and change again to go to a job interview that I had been really excited about. I check our bills and try to figure out why my car/renters/life insurance payment is super high this month. I get frustrated when I realize the money I paid to lower my monthly payments to a manageable amount just got applied to the total and they just took a month off it. I didn’t want a month taken off, I wanted the monthly payments lowered. URGH! I didn’t have time to deal with it because I needed to go to my interview.
When I enter the address into my gps I realize that it is not on South Academy but on North Academy… it is over 22 miles down the interstate from my house a good thirty five minutes away. I had allotted enough time to get there, park, and find the place plus be ten or fifteen minutes early when I thought it was closer to my house. Worried about being late, I hit the interstate running.
Then what had been a beautiful, sunny day suddenly turns into a downpour. The rain is slowing traffic and Im getting really impatient. I finally make it to the company, get out of the car and shut the door- locking my keys in the car. Seriously?! Luckily my front window was down a little way so I reach in and unlock the car door making my alarm system start shrieking. Startled, I drop my cell phone… right into a huge puddle. I reach down to pick it up and slam my head right into the side view mirror. You’ve got to be kidding me. I open the car, turn off the alarm, take the battery out of my phone and leave it in there to drive.
Then I go to go into the interview and realize that I don’t know what suite it is in. The suite number is in my phone. Great. It’s a previous apartment complex made up of four tenants per building. Each one has an outside entrance there is sixteen all together. I start at one end and go to each one. The LAST one was where my interview was.
I got there ten minutes late. I explained what happened. The beginning of the interview the guy tells me that he had 35 applicants. He narrowed it down to 12 for in person interviews. After that he will narrow it down to seven. He then wants the seven to come in and work an entire full day- for free- to see how they fit in. Oh, and did he mention that it is also a sales job, and by the way they are a Mormon based business and shows me this ridiculously long moral clause I would have to sign in order to work that which says I will divulge my person passwords to all social networking sites that I have for their inspection… and he gives me a free book of Mormon out of a box as I walk out- just a thank you for the interview. He will contact me if they are interested in me coming to work for a full day next week.
As I head out of the parking lot I realize I am completely out of gas. Completely. My gas light is on and I barely made it to the gas station. My car was definitely not happy with me. The drive home was long and tedious. It was rush hour and there was an accident when a car hydroplaned out of control. Seriously- and I said all of this is the complete truth- I about gave up when I looked over and this balding old fat dude with a mullet (bald spot on the top, mullet on the back, I am sooo not making this up) winks at me. After a few minutes of sitting next to him in traffic that is not going anywhere and trying very hard not to look over, I give in and look as he reaches into the back seat, grabs a six pack of bud light cans, rips one of the ring and opens it and drains it. I cant make this kind of crap up… and I cant even call the cops because well I dropped my phone in a puddle.
URRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH.
Did I mention I started my period today too? LOL. True story. TMI but I don’t care. After a day like today…
Im exhausted. I think Ive averaged between three and five hours of sleep a night. I managed to make and eat dinner without burning down the house. Id really like to take a bubble bath tonight but Im relatively sure I will trip into the bathroom, hit my head on the facet, fall face first unconscious into the bathtub and drown.