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Sunday, August 29, 2010

Needing a spanking…

Note: I am absolutely not speaking about a discipline spanking nor an erotic spanking in this blog. There is a difference to me.

Recently someone emailed me and told me I need a psychologist because my wants were abnormal and wrong. That I was mentally ill for submitting to my husband and for allowing him to discipline me when I've earned it. That I was unstable and obviously confused for believing that those were things I wanted in my life.

So how about this one?

I need a spanking.

Need. Sometimes when I have a need I start to doubt myself, my wiring, my sanity. Who needs to submit? Who needs to obey? Who needs to be spanked? Yeah, this girl right here.

It is not a want. It is not a sexually driven hormonal seeking orgasmic release. It is an emotional release, a deep down, underneath all of these walls that I built up around me. I don't know if I can put it into words for anyone to understand but for me it sort of works to center me. The spanking, the right kind, not the playful kind, not a discipline one, but a long, built up, breaking one gets past were words and emotions just don't do it.

The struggle starts when I am in position. Whether it is over a knee or across a piece of furniture. It's a mind tease of sorts, because I am laying myself, purposely, into a place where I know the pain will be. When the spanking starts I am rebelling inside (and sometimes outside with my words). The warmth builds and my legs start kicking, or my arms start flailing. I am often extremely self conscience at this point and more worried about the cottage cheese on my thighs showing, the dimples in my butt, the love handles… and Im not even focused on what is actually going on.

As the intensity builds, an implement is added, the sit spot or thighs focused on I begin to realize something is happening here. Hey, wait a moment, I don't have control over what is going on. Then it dawns on me, this is actually starting to hurt. The pain starts to jar something inside. It really starts to tear down those aforementioned walls.

I tend to hide my emotions. I bottle them up and let them go and go and go until I am either exploding in a not so healthy self destructive way or I am finding another release. For me, spanking, has been that great release. The lack of control, the ability to submit to it, the way it breaks down the layers bit by bit, it puts me in the right head space.

And once I am in that head space I can face my demons head on. I can start to feel the things that I had been putting off conquering. I can let myself feel the loneliness of having a husband a thousand miles away in a war zone, the frustration of moving across country and not having a support group built up here, the anger at myself for the stupid shit I have done in the past couple weeks, the disgust I sometimes feel at the way I look, the amount I weigh, the stress I have from working three jobs and taking care of everything the house needs by myself, the lost I feel at not having a family support network to lean back into…

I can make that list above and not feel a single emotion as I type them out. I can read and reread it and it doesn't faze me. But let me think about it as I am in a submissive position with someone else controlling what is going on to me physically and I can analyze, think, and most importantly feel what's going on in my life. I can then cry. I can then work on and move past it. I have a need for my physical and emotion selves to meet.

If that means that I am psychotic, need therapy or what not then that's what it means. Personally, I think it was just the way I am made and if I was made this way who am I to argue with it?

All I can figure is that I know many people who are the same way as I am, some get the release from whips, some from needle play, some from sex. So maybe Im not a freak after all.


Anonymous said...

Jessica, I think people who have not experienced the need can understand what it is to feel this way. I truly believe we are neither sick nor crazy but simply wired this way. Homosexuality used to be considered a sickness and/or a mental disorder. Now our society is educated to know better. Being different and being wrong is just not the same. I am healthy, psychologically solid, and in a Dd marriage by choice. I've never been happier in my marriage than these last 5 yrs. You know what you know too.

nicole said...

Even though I am not in a DD marriage with my husband as him the Head, and I would not want him to spank me for punishment and it would take him forcing me to submit to a spanking or I would refuse to submit on my own, U do not think you are wired wrong or weird or need a shrink. I myself want to unserstand how women who want and NEED DD get over the fact that their husbands do hurt them (its not abusive I admit unless it is taken to far and without consent) and still are not afraid of their husbands or feel weird toward them after a spanking. I think these questions come up for me because I was in an abusive forced DD relationship with my ex. And I felt terror of doing something wrong and getting a spanking for it. And I became submissive and quiet and scared of my ex also.

From what I read I do realize not all DD marriages are anything like my ex. But I was on one Christian DD forum that told me I was wrong for not totally submitting and it was a man's place over the woman and one female told me that it was just spanking, nothing I should be trying or talking about going to the police over cause my bf decided to spank me when I disobeyed him. And was on my ex's side. My now husband who I grew up with as my he was my brother's best friend helped me get out of that relationship. He had just gotten out the army and we reconnected.

So no I don't think you are stupid or weird or anything is wrong with you for needing this type of marriage. One thing doesn't work for everyone. Like I know my husband letting me have all the control and bossing him around definately wouldn't work for everyone either. Now like I said when a man wants a DD marriage first and kinda says they have to have one oe not be married, then I don't agree with that. I feel BOTH the husband and wife have to want it and accept it for it to work well. So I wanted to be clear: I am not one of those anti-DD people. I hate people who judge others. I am all for DD but only if it is 100% consentual which I see yours is.

But just a question. What if you told your husband that you didn't want to and just couldn't handle him spanking you anymore? Would he stop and be ok with it?

sassy_cheeksX0 said...

I have struggled for a long time to be able to so eloquently put my "need" into words and you captured it beautifully. Thank you (:

Anonymous said...

Dear Jessica,

I always wanted answers for kink. I caan go with the Fruedian (ultimate protector/husband) or the scientific (endorphins are 'da bomb'). Bottom line: This has been an integral part of me since interest surfaced - age nine. Obsession existed - age twelve. All of us have extreme differences in our family/experiential histories. You've stated it well with a hearfelt 'it is what is is'. I get out of and yet into my head and heart simultaneously. I wish I lived close to your base! Sorry for your lacking support. Twice in my life I've logistically been with none - I can related. Take Good Care of You - Matthew insists on it, if nothing else 'hits' you, let that sink in. KayLynn

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