! »

Friday, August 20, 2010

Not so Cocoa Puffs.

Matthew was able to get online sometime between when I feel asleep and tonight. He had read my “Cocoa Puffs” blog and well was not impressed with my decision for dinner. He knows I can cook (I have a food blog with tons of recipes that I make during the year) and really thought it was unacceptable replacement for what I had listed. I was going to have leftovers but there are no leftovers. So for the next week I have to make a from scratch balanced dinner every night- no frozen foods, prepared foods or boxed. Completely from scratch. Leftovers can be eaten for lunch but not dinner. In addition to that I can’t have any dessert or sweets ALL WEEK! Eeek! No fun.

 I think part of me wanted him to assert his authority and that’s why I ate and confessed to eating something I knew deep down he wouldn’t agree with for a dinner. Honestly, I’m not even allowed to eat just a bowl of cocoa puffs for any meal, including breakfast. I don’t know why I felt like testing him, perhaps because he is so far away? I mean the testing part of our relationship ended years ago. Or maybe it’s because I just needed to feel his authority since I cant see him. I don’t know but I accept the consequences for my behavior and will try harder to make responsible eating choices.

He sent me an email that I really appreciated. Every now and again I feel like I am weird for having the desire to be in a domestic discipline relationship. Sometimes when Ive tried broaching the subject with friends I have been totally put down, told my husband is abusive, told I am sick, told that I have “daddy issues” etc. I guess maybe it’s because most of the 27 year old women that I know embrace liberal feminism and just cant wrap their mind around the concept. I am one of the few conservative women that I have met in this age category.
Anyway, Matthew said this in his email to me, “You are mine. I am going to do what you need and there is no taking it back.”(he reassures me of this whenever I get in these moods… although if I really truly desired to be done with it I know he would rather have me as a vanilla wife then no wife at all. He also knows when I am in a mood.) “Your wires aren’t screwed up cause if they are so are mine. I am going to be diligent with the task you have trusted me with. I am going to hold us to it our desires I love you.” Sometimes I get scared of being a doormat. I have way too much of a personality for that. He writes in the same email, “Trust you won’t be a robot. I don’t want that nor will I ever want that. What I want is your opinion on all matters given with a respectful attitude and your submission with an occasional side of battiness. Love forever”

Matthew isn’t one of many words. He is often called a bear at work, his growl is worst than his bite (will maybe not the bite of the paddle haha). He is a bigger man 6’0, 200lbs a lot of that muscle. He is friendly to everyone and just has one of the biggest inviting attitudes I have ever met. When he devotes himself to something and gives his word he means it. So I know he means what he says about staying our route. If it has worked so well why change it? You know? It seems like the beginning of every deployment or long time apart I question things. Every single time. He reassures me and we make it work, despite the distance and lack of communication. I love him for that (and many other reasons too)

Only in relationships with complete trust and understanding can a domestic discipline method work. I have that with Matthew and I need to stop questioning my desire, no my need for this lifestyle, and start accepting it as a vital part of who I am. 

2 comments:

externallymotivatedwife said...

Jessica,

I've really enjoyed your posts and appreciate you taking time to comment on mine. I love your writings which reflect you are down to earth and yet a loosely tethered hot air balloon when left to your own (physically). Thank you and my deepest gratitude to you both. I'm so glad you began to blog on the 'other side of vanilla' I shall coin it, this part of your life. The support will snowball as others see your humor and heart. KayLynn

Naomi said...

I'll come eat your amazing from-scratch dinners with you =) hehe

Post a Comment