! »

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Feminism vs. DD

My husband thinks that I have been getting a little mouthy and stubborn lately. He wants me to try to blog more because journaling has always helped me to really keep myself centered. I really do enjoy writing. I guess he has a point :) Darn him for being so smart!

I tried explaining to a group of vanilla friends that DH is HOH of our house. You would think being Army and all acronyms would be part of our normal life. The concept was foreign to them. I tried expressing it in my vanilla blog without using the words discipling, spanking, etc. I don't understand how being submissive to your husband is the same as being anti women's rights. Due to his relationship and the intimacy of our lifestyle choices they are unaware of the dd aspects. It is sad that in America with all the preaching of open-mindednessness that TTWD is still not accepted. I think it is a bit backwards that we are accepting of all the new age mumble jumble but not of the traditional values that once was the norm in our great nation.

My view on feminism is: Feminist gave women the right of choice. They can choose to work OR they can choose to stay home. They can choose to be submissive OR choose to be dominant. The point of feminism wasn't to pressure all women into working in corporate jobs. It was to allow women the rights to decide what they wanted to do. Instead, if you are a stay at home wife you are "undoing" what the original feminist worked for. That is crap. I still have the right to vote. I still have the right to decide what to do with my life, where to go to school, where to work, what position I am willing to take.

Ive worked in high profile jobs in management or supervisor positions before. Heck, I am a former soldier for goodness sakes.

Right now I work from home. I still make an income and it is a job I love. I take care of all my husband's needs, both when he is here and when he is away. He is the head of our house, he makes all the final decisions. The thing is, he takes my opinions and thoughts into consideration, we discuss everything, we have open communication. He is not a dictator but he is HOH.

We have the old fashioned gender roles, the 1950's ran household. I do the "women" chores. I cook, I clean, I organize. I take care of the inside of the house. He does the "man" chores when he is not deployed. The garbage, yard work, fixing things etc. When he is gone I have to do them or pay someone to do them. I really do not have a green thumb at all. Am I capable of mowing, taking out the trash, raking etc? Yes. And when is he in Afghanistan for a year (like now) I do it all, and do it all well. It is not about whether or not I can do it, it is about the negotiations we have made in our marriage that makes it run well. 

Do I think that women can do everything a man can do outside of pure physical differences? Yes. Do I think women should do everything a man does? No. I think we were created differently. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Those differences should be celebrated not frowned on. My husband is physically stronger than me. It is easier for him to move the furniture around then it is for me. It is quicker if he does it. So I call it man work and I have him do it. Does this make me sexist? I don't care if it does. It is the way I am and I refuse to apologize for it.

For us, even with a domestic discipline relationship, I am in charge of the finances. This would be foreign to many in the dd realm. He is gone for long periods of a time, up to a year or 15 months, and even when he is home he is often gone away for weeks and months. I pay our bills and keep track of our finances because of access. I have access to the internet, I have access to the bills, stamps, mail, checks. It would be too difficult in the middle of a battle to remember rent is due today. Sometimes, with where he is and what he is doing, he doesnt know the day of the week let alone the date. When he is on a mission for days at a time, and the days start running together, and hes not eating well or sleeping well and hes being shot at, he cant stop and think about electricity, he cant think about whether or not he paid the phone bill.

So, I am in charge of finances. I pay all our bills, every time, on time.  I keep the car insurance up to date, our stickers renewed, the rent paid, the groceries in the house. I make sure we are budgeted. There is discipline if I dont, however, that has never been an issue. I take finances very seriously. He and I discuss any purchases made that are over so much. 

My husband is the head of our house. He has veto power. He makes all the final decisions. But, I am not a doormat, abused or anything of that matter. He is not controlling but he is in control. He is not an abusive asshole. He is respectful and loving. We discuss everything together, he takes my opinion into consideration and often gives in to my way or line of thinking, but in the end he gets the final say, and I submit to that. He has to live with the decisions of his final say, so if they turn out badly it is natural consequences.

My husband spanks/disciplines me when I disobey him or break one of our behavioral expectations. I consent to this. It was my idea to live this lifestyle! He did NOT force me into it, manipulate or control me into thinking it was the right or only way. I introduced HIM to it. So when he is home I may find myself over his knee for a spanking or bent over the kitchen counter, or standing in the corner with a red behind. When he is gone I may be in that same corner for an extended period of time, or writing the same sentence a hundred times, or unable to eat chocolate for a week, or going to bed early for back talking. The list goes on and on. Its structure, routine, safety to me. I choose this lifestyle, I want it, I need it and it is ours.

It may be anti feminist or sexist or whatever. But it works for us. That is all that matters. It works for us, I consent, I am not abused, and I would not want it any other way. If you dont like it, too bad, we arent changing for anyone. If it is not broken, why fix it?


high_ride said...

Wow, I really love this post, and I love your blog in general! It really inspires me and it helps to know there are others out there like me!

If you have the time, I would love it if you would take a look at my blog! I would love to have advice on things from other women in the lifestyle, especially since I am relatively new to it.


PRETTYinPINK said...

I like this post! I had come across a vanilla blog a couple weeks ago that had posted about Domestic Discipline and how "abusive" it was and that the women involved had no self respect or independence and I about lost it! I think you put into words perfectly how I felt. This is a choice WE made, and it's frustrating to have people who are ignorant to the lifestyle brand it as something it is not.

Rich Person said...

If a woman can't make a choice as to how she wants to live in her own house, then what was feminism for? There's a vast difference between being disciplined and being abused. You can tell from how you feel about it. One makes you feel "more" and the other makes you feel "less". If it is helping improve your self-esteem, then I think you are on the right track.

Courtney Mroch said...

Hey, I came across this post and really enjoyed reading it. Like you, I defer HOH duties to my hub. We've been living a 50s style marriage for a while now.

I was very curious and surprised to read that you consent to getting spanked tho. And that you're the one who introduced that to him. I think that's going to inspire a post on my own blog. I never heard of such a thing before and it sure has my wheels turning.

And for that I thank you. I always like coming across things that make me think!

Audra said...

This was very well said! The most important thing is that it works for you. I agree with everything you said here! Just because we submit doesn't mean we are weak, or helpless. I love how you said your husband is in control not controlling, there is a huge difference between the two! :-)

Hisprincess said...

I found reading so many blogs is that most of us wives asked for this lifestyle. This is what we wanted/needed from our men. In my situation I always wanted it but was afraid to ask out of fear what he might think of me as some freak or God forbid our family to find out. All the while, the entire time he was wanting to spank me but was afraid it was abuse. I think they should have a newly weds handbook to state this is okay. We would have less divorce.

Anonymous said...

I totally love your post and I agree with Hisprincess! There should be some newlywed information book that lists this kind of life as an option. It has done wonders for us. I didn't enter into it completely willingly - but I have to admit - it works. It must be so hard for you when your HOH is away for such long periods of time. Thank goodness for the internet. We'll keep reading and keeping you company. :)

colleen said...

I absolutely loved this post. It helped me to put alot of things into perspective. I too am an army wife and I have to admit that one of DH's concerns with this whole lifestyle is that I will not be able to take care of things when he is gone. We were always more into playing with the D/s lifestyle, but when dd popped up in a google search I decided I would like to look more into this. If you would be willing to, could you please send me more info regarding living this lifestyle? We are newly married and I would love to have something that would make our marriage stronger and help during the times of deployment. Thanks. :-)

Anonymous said...

What a plain speaking and refreshing post! You echo so many of the thoughts I've had over the years. My husband, who is retired military, and I, have just recently entered into a D/s relationship and it has upped the level of intimacy in our lives together. As early on as we are to it, we've already made the decision, based on the immediate improvements on every level, to live this lifestyle 24/7. Its almost shocking how an already good marriage changed to "wow, this is GOOD!" overnight, once we discovered D/s. I'd love to share the "secret" of us, and WHY we always look so happy, with others, but I know darn well the reaction I'd receive as soon as I mention the words "D/s". Its good, however, to find your blog and I'm looking forward to following, and learning!

Post a Comment