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Friday, February 4, 2011


My favorite color is red. I have a red coat, a red computer, a red cell phone. I love the color red. Our bedroom is red, my dining room curtains are red. I own several pieces of clothing that are red. I’m not a purple or pink girl, I am a red girl. I have always loved red and the shades of red. Our living room is done in Americana d├ęcor and of course, red. I have a red throw rug on the floor. Putting it like that is making it seem like there is more red in my house then there really is. I use red as an accent, not as the primary color. I have one or two items with red or red splashes in them and leave it at that.

This morning on webcam with my dear husband from Afghanistan, I was lying nude in bed. We had gotten to a point in the conversation where I had stripped for him. It was not a comfortable point for I have tons and tons of issues with self consciousness, and with worries someone will walk in and see me on the computer like that etc.  Even years into our marriage I am still extremely self conscience and hate my body.

In recent times I have gone from 230lbs to today I weighed 173. I went from an 18-20 to a 12-14. The pants I have on right now are jogging pants from going to the gym but they are actually 10-12. I am 5’6 and although not super tall, I am not short either. I have lots of curves, such as my 36DDs that I HATE. I’ve wanted to have a breast reduction for as long as I could remember, I was a C cup in fifth grade! I was ten!!

Anyway, I digress, I was laying in bed completely nude and my husband could see me. Every inch, every curve, every fat roll disgustingly showing itself. I was mortified, embarrassed and ashamed of my body but he kept telling me how beautiful I was. I didn’t tell him how uncomfortable I was or how ugly I felt, I know he doesn’t like me saying those things but it was how I felt. He was pleased to see me naked after so many months of not seeing my naked body and he complimented me on the progress I’ve made on my weight loss journey.

One of the things that was so noticeable was my very white bottom. Of course my husband prefers it red. I’m more ok with it being pink. Anything is better than black and blue. With him gone to war though I totally would exchange him being home with a black and blue butt. But yes, my bottom has been very white for a very long time. Next month I don’t think it will be quite so white. WEG It might even be my favorite color again, for two weeks at least.

Anyway, so Im laying there naked, staring at myself on the screen. It’s like looking in a mirror. I couldn’t figure out how to hide my image from my sight all I could do was make the little box smaller. I wasn’t having any luck and I kept getting drawn back to the image over and over. Rather annoying.

Then his platoon sergeant walked into the room, and while he didn’t see me and my husband was able to close the browser quickly, I was mortified. My face flushed red and I was so upset with him. He had ASSURED me no one would come into the room. He was sure no one would. But low and behold someone did. It will be the last time he ever sees me naked on webcam when he doesn’t have internet in his room where he can lock the door. Mortified. Blush covered my face and neck.

Did I tell you I like the color red?


SugarAnne said...

It's got to be so hard trying to have some semblance of intimacy with your husband while you're so far away from each other. Stripping in front of a camera when you have no control over who is on the receiving end would make anyone nervous. But let me attempt to assure you, with those measurement... you really do look good.


Anonymous said...

You know, I've never known a woman who didn't have issues with her body, which is just too bad. Sounds like your husband loves looking at his woman.

I admire you for working so hard to lose weight and get into shape. I'm sorry about the embarrassing moment and I hope your husband gets to come home soon.

Malcolm said...

Put a not-quite-nude photo of yourself up on your blog and let your readers give you some positive feedback. Not liking your body is a serious disadvantage in life and you have to put this behind you. I have to say I don't think anyone else can effect the magic change for you, you have to decide yourself that you are good to look at, no other change is necessary now. Your body doesn't have to change any more, only your view of it.

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