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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Weight Loss




Quite a few people have asked me recently how Ive been dropping the pounds.Ive been doing a few things differently. This might not work for everyone but these are my “secrets”. 

Exercise:
- Looking at exercise differently. I am now working out doing “fun” activities, like circuit training instead of the same old boring routine of hopping on a treadmill. 
- Accountability: I have been working out with a trainer 3xs a week. Unless I cancel 48hours in advance she gets paid and it’s not cheap! This gives me accountability. Not everyone can afford a trainer, but everyone can work out with a friend. Meeting a friend at the gym, to run or go for a hike is good accountability.
- Get out and move! Going for walks/hikes with a camera to take photos, going to the zoo, walking around the mall, going to a park, jumping on the trampoline etc. Anything that gets you moving!
- Sneak in exercise. When Im writing articles/chapters in my book and I get a down moment, bored or simply writers block I get down on the floor with my bender ball and bust out a couple extra (or 50) crunches, do lunges/squats while cooking, take more trips into the house with groceries, switching over the laundry etc. Instead of seeing how much I can carry I now make smaller more frequent trips. Instead of fast forwarding during commercials on my dvr I now do three minutes of exercise, every other commercial break.

Food:
- Prepare your own favorite recipes from restaurants. There are a million copy cat recipes out there. When you prepare it use fresh ingredients and substitute out the bad items.
- Try new foods. I thought I HATED fish. Turns out, I don’t hate all fish. Ive been eating Tilapia, Salmon, and Maui Maui. 
- Rethink meals. I used to have this “three” rule. I would make each meal have three items: protein, starch and veggie/fruit. Now I realize there is no rule that says that. So I may have just two of the items, or two veggies and a starch. Often times now I don’t do protein and starch but one or the other. 
- Portion control! I use smaller plates, portion things out properly, and make a conscience effort to reduce sizes. 
- Change one thing at a time. I didn’t make any huge changes at first. It was small substitutes here and there (fresh fruit instead of chips/fries with a burger/sandwich), mustard instead of mayo, little things. Overtime your body adjusts and you find you like these better.
- Eat at the table!!! When I started to just eat, instead of eat AND watch tv, or eat AND play online or eat AND read a book I realized I enjoyed the food more, I ate less and I actually paid attention to what I was eating. Make meal times about meals, not multitasking. 
- Take the food out of the package. If you are going to eat prepackaged foods don’t eat them directly from the bags/boxes. You will eat more that way. Take it out, put it in a bowl or plate and put the package back on the shelf. 
- Make substitutes that are healthy. Read the labels. Not all substitutes are good for you. Sometimes fat is replaced by salt etc. know what you are eating. 
- Drink water. I increased my water intake and make sure I drink at least eight ounces before I eat anything.
- Let the food digest. Before getting seconds or dessert let there be some time that passes so the body can tell the brain it is full. 
- If you are hungry, eat. I keep a ton of fresh fruits, veggies, cheese and healthy snacks in my house. I don’t starve myself. If I am hungry, I eat. Just snack intelligent. Eat small snacks, nutritious and drink water with it. 
- Don’t sacrifice all your favorites. Many people who are dieting get rid of the foods that are bad for them. I am not from this train of thought. I wanted to make a lifestyle change instead of a diet. I keep my favorite foods in the house, that aren’t good for me, and eat them in moderation. I will still eat cheetohs and cookies. I just reduce the portion (I can literally eat just two cheetohs and walk away!) and eat them less frequently. 
- Cook! Cook your own meals instead of buying prepared meals or eating out. 
- When eating out ask for the box BEFORE the meal. Then portion out what you are going to eat and put the rest in the box to take home, put the box aside. Youll be amazed at how full you are.
- Clearing plates is not necessary. You don’t have to finish all the food on your plate just because it is there or to be polite. 
- Keep a healthy snack in your purse/car etc for those moments when you might get hungry. This helps avoid fast food. I have kept Special K bars, crackers, almonds and other things around just in case.
- Watch what you drink. Check the labels of the juice, soda, and dairy products you’re drinking. I found a lot of my calories were coming from what I was drinking. I replaced the unhealthy sugar filled juices with all natural, 100% juices, changed my milk percentage, and reduced my soda. Ill still drink it (I like Cherry Coke Zero) but I limit the intake and instead I drink Crystal Light and water. 

Other suggestions:
- Take a vitamin. 
- Get plenty of sleep.
- Drink lots of water.
- Pamper yourself occasionally. 
- Make reasonable goals and take small steps. 




I attended a couple nutrition classes on post and Ive been using some valuable websites.

http://www.mypyramid.gov/ Has the breakdowns of food. 

From there go to "Home" and then "Daily Food Plan" Fill out your height/weight/sex/physical activity, be honest!

Then it will give you the option is you are above the recommended weight for your height. To either maintain the weight, or to go towards a healthy weight.

Because I work out with a trainer and I do workout daily my calorie goal is 2,000. 
The cool thing is it doesnt only give you a calorie goal, it gives you a breakdown of how you should get the calories and in what group to get them from.

In addition, once you have your goals you can go here (http://www.mypyramid.gov/downloads/worksheets/Worksheet_2200_18.pdf) And print out your worksheet for food.

Here is what I am supposed to be eating daily: http://www.mypyramid.gov/downloads/results/results_2000_18.pdf 

6oz grains
2 1/2 cups veggies
2 cups fruit
3 cups milk/dairy
5 1/2 oz meat/beans 

--------------------
Because I have utilized the skills of a nutritionist I have been able to break down my calories a bit, based on my activities. I eat about six times a day, never after seven pm. I tend to eat a bigger percentage of calories morning/mid day. I eat when I wake up to jump start my metabolism. I have a healthy breakfast with carbs. I eat an hour before I work out and I eat again after I work out. My training sessions are at 1pm. I have a mid afternoon "meal" more like a snack. Normally cheese and fruit. Then I have dinner. 

Also, dont forget to count the calories in your drinks!! Ive been making a conscience effort to drink mainly water. 


I still have a LONG way to go and I am very image conscience and have tons of self esteem issues but this is what I have been doing recently. Im 162lbs down from a high of 230. I am now in a size 8 jeans down from an 18. I still have lots and lots of room for improvement but that’s where I am at for now. Thank you for all the encouragement.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Getting to Know You

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My grandmother with my original name. I named myself when I was adopted at 14.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It's ok

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Chicken

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Someday

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably not

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
I should use it a bit less,.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yes, I have sky dived before

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Oh's or Cookie Crisp

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Not normally

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? 
No

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky Road

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their personality.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
That I have a hard time expressing my feelings

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
A dead friend

18. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE EXERCISE? 
Swimming

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Im currently barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A bowl of berries with some Greek yogurt

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The Protector

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Aqua

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Fresh cut grass, rain, my husband

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A girlfriend.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Hockey

27. HAIR COLOR?
Auburn

28. EYE COLOR? 
Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Comfort foods. Mashed potatoes, pastas, mac n cheese.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
True Grit

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Green

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs from friends, Kisses from husband

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Dark chocolate m&ms. Cupcakes.

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Strength


38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Putting Away Childish Things

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Nothing

42. FAVORITE SOUND? 
Rain

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Mexico

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
No

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Chicago

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Colorado

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
 
Green

            49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? 
            Black
            50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
           Sure

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Plan of Action

- Spanking every night for a week. One week for the number of years we've been married. The purpose... to set a routine and reestablish roles.

- Each night hand spanking. Any issues needed addressed will add implement/time of spanking, try to address each issue in a timely manner.

- Timed spanking. We have watched a lot of spanking movies lately and going off of my experiences are going to do a timed amount of spanking instead of by swat for hand spanking.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Day Six :(

Today is Day Six of not hearing from my husband. No email, no phone call, nothing. I know if he COULD call he WOULD call. It is just so hard and so frustrating. Then when he calls I forget about the three million things I had earmarked to tell him. I go through the day thinking, "Man, I cant wait to tell Matthew about this" and then he calls and BAM I forget all about what I was going to tell him. I am just so excited to hear his voice that all else disappears.

It is so hard to not get to speak to your husband when you want :( I can shoot him as many emails as I want but he has to have access to the internet to read/respond to them. It stinks!

Update on Weight Loss

I have been blogging about my weight loss. Thought I'd throw an update up.

Friday, June 24, 2011

My Form of Patriotism



*I took this photo. Please do not steal it. 

I was born in America. For that, I am eternally grateful. See, many things did not go right in my life. I was born addicted to cocaine, to a drug addicted prostitute. I was abused brutally by my parents and put into the foster care system. I bounced around like a basket ball, one home to another. Abused more in the homes, unwanted, unloved. But alive.

I love my country.

Had I been born in China or Russia, or many other countries, the outcome would have been very different. I would have been cast aside, or never removed from the home. A female child, with little rights. I could have remained with my father and instead of stabbed, raped and set on fire, I could have been killed, and no one would have cared. I could have been thrown into an orphanage, discarded by society, and starved to death. I could have been traded into the sex slave industry. I could have been. But I wasn’t.

I love my country.

I wasn’t because I was born an American. I was born free. Regardless of my childhood, regardless of the parents I was born to, I was born American. That, was, my saving grace. As an American I was given the opportunity to seize the bull by the horn and make something of myself. I was given the resources to succeed, I was given a choice.

I love my country.

In America, no matter where you have come from in your life, the choice of where to go from there is yours. 

You can, with the right mental attitude and courage, become anything you want. You can as an American citizen, use the resources our Great Nation offers, to pull yourself up from your bootstraps and raise above your birth circumstances. Because, as an American, you matter. Human life is valued, regardless of race or gender.

I love my country.

Some people say I have an abundance of patriotism. Sure, my husband is a soldier in the United States Army, fighting overseas. I support him, and our troops. But, it is so much more than that. My patriotism is because I owe my life to the country I was born in. A country, that gave me food, education, and rights. A country that, did not devalue me because of my gender, did not give up on me because of who my parents were or what they did, a country that supported my dreams and hopes, because I belonged to them.

I love my country.

God gave me a great blessing having been born in America, on American soil. A blessing that cannot be overlooked. Patriotism to me, is not blindly supporting the government. Government is made of men, and men fail. Patriotism is questioning the government, challenging the elected officials to better our country, fighting to keep the ideals and freedoms of America strong. Patriotism is not waving a flag, or pasting a yellow magnet on a car. It is about being grateful to a Nation that has done so much for me, and who has given me the opportunities I wouldn’t have without my birthright.

Patriotism is about the brotherhood that is formed when service members sign the dotted line, it is about the bonds formed by families who say goodbye to their loved ones not knowing if they will be returning, it is about buying American made products, American grown produce, it is about putting my money, time, and effort back into the community that has given me life. Patriotism is about knowing how lucky you are to be from the land of the Red, White and Blue.

I love my country.

When the National Anthem plays, tears are brought to my eyes. I remember where I came from and where I am. I remember our dear friends who have died serving our great Nation. I remember the opportunity afforded to me, by my birth. When the National Anthem plays, my heart and spirit swells in pride.

Because, I am free. I am an American. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Appointment

Well not only did I make the dentist appointment yesterday but I also went today! Unfortunately Im going to have to make three more dentist appointments, but I did it! And I went!! Woohoo!!

Matthew called today and followed up again! Woot. I was very happy he remembered to, that is another good sign. He was very proud of me (I LOVE those words) for making and following through with the appointment. Now, if only I can get on the counseling one... Im working on that.

One step at a time.

Today I started a project. I like projects. I have a huge stack of Food Network type magazines. Food Network, Paula, Rachel etc. A HUGE stack. So I am going through, cutting out the recipes I want to try or think Matthew will love, and pasting them on recipe cards. That way when I am out of inspiration I can grab one from the box! I will also use them in planning our meals when he comes home. I am excited about it. I even made a recipe box for them to go into :) I will post photos if anyone is interested.

Mad the container 

There will be hundreds of these!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Music...

Had a short but great talk with Matthew this morning. I realized I normally only blog when things are bad or Im sad, its a good way to get emotions out, but Im going to try to blog more with good things as well.

We listen to a wide array of genres of music. Today was a country day for me, because there are two songs Matthew had heard that he wanted me to hear the lyrics to.

Here they are:




Love Dont Run

Steve Holy – Love Don’t Run Lyrics
This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell,
this is gonna damn near kill me,
sometimes the truth ain’t easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, baby, believe that I’m not leaving,
you couldn’t give me one good reason
Love don’t run, love don’t hide,
it won’t turn away or back down from a fight
Baby, I’m right here, and I ain’t going anywhere
Love’s too tough, won’t give up, no not on us
Baby, love don’t run
Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night,
this is gonna make us stronger,
it’s gonna make forever longer,
I know it’d be easier walking away but,
what we got is real, and I wanna save us,
baby, we can do it, baby, we’ll get through it
Cause love don’t run, love don’t hide,
it won’t turn away or back down from a fight,
baby, I’m right here, and I ain’t going anywhere,
love’s too tough, it won’t give up, no not on us.
Baby, love don’t run
Baby, love don’t run
So come over here and lay down in my arms,
baby, tell me everything that’s on your heart,
Cause I won’t run, I won’t hide,
I won’t turn away, I just wanna make things right
Baby, I’m right here, and I ain’t going anywhere,
love’s too tough, it won’t give up, no not on us

Baby, love don’t run
Baby, love don’t run
Baby, love don’t run




Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'd lose my mind

Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine
[- From :http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/eli-young-band-lyrics/crazy-girl-lyrics.html -]

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman, come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?
Like crazy, girl

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Soap


Well. He’s trying. That is all I can ask for. Our last conversation was on Thursday. Some back story: recently I have struggled with some mild depression which has caused some anxiety and the doc has recommended finding a therapist. In addition, I haven’t had my teeth cleaned in over a decade (just had my wisdom teeth pulled) because of a really bad dental experience I had. Now, I am very very good at dental hygiene. Floss, brush, rinse etc. But recently I have been having some pain issues with a couple cavities that I am sure I have. In addition, I had to have emergency oral surgery to have impacted and infected wisdom teeth removed. 
When this happened the dentist told me I had four cavities from teeth that were pushed up against the wisdom teeth and I wasn’t able to floss around. The surgery ended up being very dramatic and reinforcing my views on dentist (two years ago) but in the last two weeks Ive had a lot of tooth pain and made the mistake of accidentally mentioning it one day on the phone. This was halfway through our phone conversation today:

“Did you schedule your appointments like I asked?”                             

“um.” Silence

“Jessica.”

“Well not exactly.”

“What does not exactly mean?”

“No. I didn’t schedule THOSE appointments.”

“If I get home and those appointments are not scheduled you are going to be in big trouble, do you hear me? I will schedule them for you, and then we will waste some of our block leave vacation time at the dentist and the therapist instead of on vacation. You will be visiting them with a sore butt. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah? Jessica.” Warning tone

“Yes Sir.” Grumbles.

“I don’t understand why this is so hard for you. You are normally spot on with these kind of things. I know you are scared of going to the dentist but we talked about coping techniques and anxiety meds. You really need to get this taken care of.”

“I know. But I did get my transcripts ordered for going back to school, and I took the dogs to the vet, and I…”

“Those are all good things Jess, but they weren’t on the to do list for Friday where they? In fact since you ordered the transcripts online you could have done that yesterday or today. I want you to call the dentist tomorrow and call tricare about a mental health referral.”

“Yeah yeah. Ill do it.” Yes, my tone was dripping with attitude, call it a defense mechanism. I was a bit shocked that he was following through, he is really bad at following through. This is a good sign that he meant what he said about wanting this and trying harder, a really good sign. But, at the same time I am skeptical, Im trying to lose the skepticism.

“Jess.”

“I will! Can you just shut up about it and talk to me about something else now?” I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth. Even with everything that has happened in our marriage I never disrespect him like that, never. He couldn’t see through the phone or he would have seen my eyes widen and my hand clamp over my mouth. There was a silence and then,

“Go get the soap.”

“What?”

“Go get a bar of soap.” The tone didn’t really offer much of an argument but,

“are you serious?”

“Dead. Let me know when you have it.”

Let me tell you that it didn’t taste good at all. I had to hold it in my mouth and listen to him explain why I needed to make the appointments, when I was going to make them, and then how disrespectful sassiness was not going to be tolerated, before he let me spit it out. THEN he wouldn’t let me rinse until I repeated it all back to him.

It’s a start… =)

URGH




I am so so tired of people telling me to be patient or that I am being selfish. Yes, we have a good vanilla relationship, yes we have a lot of love, passion and communication. But no, that is not enough. It is not and I don’t understand how after years and years of giving him my all, meeting all his needs, sacrificing everything, literally everything, my career, education, finances, credit, life, friends, EVERYTHING to be his wife, I am the selfish one for calling him to task.

He promised me that he would be the HOH. I gave him multiple outs over the years, and said a few times I would walk away from DD. Each time he told me no. He said he wanted it as much as I did. I asked him again today and he said absolutely not, we aren’t giving up on DD.  He PROMISED me before we got married, before we got serious that it was a lifestyle he wanted, that he craved, that he desired as much as I did and he promised to do it.

I used an example earlier: If a man said that he was married, lived with his wife, and every single night slept in the same bed but he would only get sex from her once a year on their wedding anniversary and felt like his needs weren’t met, people would respond differently. People would be giving him advice. They would tell him how to either make sex more desirable for her, or offer suggestions on how to get her to meet his needs. They would think she was being selfish and a bad wife for not meeting her husband’s needs.

How in GODS NAME is this any different? I told him BEFORE we were married, before we got serious, on the second date about DD. I recognized his natural dominant ability and his natural leadership from day one (we knew each other before dating) and he not only agreed he enthusiastically embraced it. Then over the years he slowly withdrew and then just quit until where it was once in a year. ONCE. That is not acceptable. Period. Yes I am being selfish, but my needs are NOT being met. And it is a NEED. Not a WANT as some people are saying.

I am a damn good wife. I go beyond what most wives do to not only meet my husbands needs, but to support him in everything. I love him, I am loyal, I do little things to let him know I am thinking about him. I man the fort when he deploys for years at a time, and do everything, and I mean everything, to keep things running smoothly at home and give him the least amount of stress. When he is home, I spoil him. His friends and family tell him daily how lucky he is to have me. I surrendered everything to be his wife, gladly, knowing I love him deeply, but also knowing he would protect me, from myself if necessary, he would be there always, he would be my friend, and my hoh. I would not have married him, or continued to date him if he had said no to DD. Period. I would have walked away then.

I don’t ask for much. I can financially support myself. I can take care of myself. I don’t need a lot of attention, obviously, he is never here. I just need his love and him to be the head of our house. I need and crave and have to have DD. And he isn’t providing it. He wants to, but he needs help with it and I need help helping him, but instead of help I get condemnation. That is not what I need. And that is why I disappeared from the forums.

We had a good phone conversation today. We talked about it, actually he made me put soap in my mouth for sassing him, (Ill take it). He told me he needs a mentor, a safe place to talk about all this with others, well that might not happen. He told me mostly he needs honest feedback from me, such as after a discipline session saying, “This worked” or “This didn’t work”. I get that… but how do I do that? I mean Ive told him I need more or harder or whatnot but it doesn’t seem to come out right. And what I need more is the emotional aspect, the talking, that I cant fix. I don’t know.

All I know is this marriage will NOT work without DD. And I will walk away. Call me whatever names you want, tell me Im being selfish. I don’t care. I have given LITERALLY everything  I have to this man and the one thing I need isn’t being met. That is not fair to me and I don’t care who says otherwise. I am not expecting too much, I am not demanding he be a “perfect” hoh, Im simply asking him to try (if he wants to, which he claims he does and claims to desire).

So I don’t need to hear that I am forcing this on him. I am not. Don’t believe me? Ask him yourself.

I don’t need to hear that I need to be patient. Ive been patient for eight years. Im out of patience.

I need to know how to explain the spanking to him. I need to know how to explain how to lecture to him.

He is willing to do this. I just don’t find training an HOH to be beneficial to either partner, because realistically 

I wont get what I need because what I need is MORE then what I can verbally tell him.

What I need is for him to take control and be consistent. I need to see his desire to do this and to see him trying, he doesn’t have to do anything other than try. 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Update



I pretty much disappeared off of the face of the earth for the last few months. Hubby and I have been going through some things, all related to DD. See, when we started dating I introduced him to all of this, and now years later it is still a rollercoaster. It is hard to train an HOH and I am not the top from the bottom type. When we first started on this journey he was very good at taking charge and being consistent. Then somewhere over the years it dwindled and dwindled… until before he deployed to Afghanistan he had only spanked me once in the entire year.

Now, did I earn more than that? Yes! He would argue that I am generally fairly well behaved, but that is only because our standards are too lax for my liking. This past year I have had to be independent. But, as an Army wife of a soldier in a specialty field that deploys often for long periods of time, that is not abnormal. In addition to being required to be independent Im also required to monitor my own behavior at all times, which is fine, but of course there is little to no recourse for misbehaving. Therefore, as a mature woman, I recognize that my behavior and actions while deployed can either help or hinder his life and safety. Not wanting to be a distraction, I make sure to mostly behave.

During his R&R we had to really discuss our DD relationship. It was a prerequisite when we started dating, if he cant be the head of the house I cant be married to him. He has put little to no effort into being the head of the house, living by example, and disciplining me when I need it. I think he desires to do it but he doesn’t know what he is doing. It came down to thinking and discussing divorce. Which he was adamantly opposed to. DD is a NEED of mine, not a want, a need. It is something that I know I cannot live without.

So, I did a lot of thinking, discussing and exploring. I was for sure that this was going to end my marriage. But, he swears he wants to try again, do this right. The problem is that I have no idea how to “teach” him. He is naturally dominant. But, when it comes to the actual spanking he always lets me up way too soon, and when it comes to the lecturing and follow through he is wishy washy. He doesn’t have a mentor to talk to, and because of the sadistically crazy people online I would be very weary of just anyone mentoring him. Certain websites have really scared me with the abusive and crazy way that some of the members act. There are a couple that I do trust and that the people are sane and normal, but I backed away from most of the sites when I took a break.

I wanted to know if I could live without this in my life. The answer is no.  He said to be the best HOH he can be I need to give him honest feedback, I just feel like I am topping from the bottom. And let me tell you, while over his knee, I find it hard to say, “Yeah, I need more then that” or, “are you kidding me that is all you have?” I want it to, in that moment end. But when it does end so soon its frustrating, like it feels he wasn’t taking it seriously, or I didn’t get to the emotional connection I needed.

We are trying this again, but it has to be the last time. For the past years it has been back and forth, back and forth. I cant do it anymore. Its either going to work, or Im done. I cant do this. It is so emotionally draining. I need structure, consistency and a husband who is the head of our family, NEED, not want. And he understands that and promises he will, but those are the same promises he has spoken to me over and over again in the past. This time, this deployment, supposedly changed him. I want to believe it. All I really know is that without this working, we, as a couple cannot work.

He needs examples, so Ive been trying to find healthy dd videos, like those on Chris and Ellas website to direct him towards. The problem is while I can tell him what I need (I need more structure, I need more guidance, I need consistency and follow through in discipline) I cant tell him HOW to lecture, or HOW to spank. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t want him to just tell me what I want to hear.

So, readers, that is where I am and where I have been lately. I joined the spanko site, sure that my marriage was ending, but it is not. When it boils down to it, I love my husband very much. I trust him. Our vanilla marriage is great. I enjoy spending time with him, communicating, etc. But our DD aspect is horrific right now and without it our marriage will fail. I hate starting from scratch again, weve done that a billion times, but this is the last time. Either he figures it out, or we are done on this journey together. Sounds cruel and cold, but he married me as the HOH. He represented himself as such, and I feel sometimes, that he falsely represented himself. He says he wants this dynamic but often times it has been a real struggle getting him to follow through. 

I am not a brat, Im not bad on purpose, but I need his guidance and I feel like I am out of control and flopping around without it.

I may rejoin the living in the groups that I do feel are sane… but this is why Ive been hiding. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Spanking



I wrote this on a couple spanko sites I was on.

I have been thinking a lot about spanking lately and wanted to write something up about my thoughts. Bear with me, no pun intended, as I get these thoughts out. Spanking to me is intimate. I believe there should be a connection of some sort between the spanker and the spankee.

As for implements: generally the spanker chooses the implements for discipline, but we can both have a say in the erotic. I’ve been spanked hundreds of times in the past twelve years and there have really only been three I have felt the next day. One was with a hand, which surprised the heck out of me, and two were with wood (one was a multi implement spanking and one was a cane). I can say wholeheartedly that I hate wooden implements. I’ve never enjoyed being spanked by a hairbrush, bath brush, paddle, spoon, or cane, ever. I don’t find these to be erotic or playful or in any way fun. Leather can turn me on or discipline me depending on how it is used. I have an entire box of implements and each one has a different meaning in my head.

In a relationship I prefer that the man have a leadership role. Not a demanding, micromanaging role, but the head of the household, make the final decision, but ask my opinion in it, role. I like there to be a behavioral expectation, not necessarily a laundry list of rules, although a few may be needed from time to time. I think of a domestic discipline relationship like a vanilla relationship, except, one person is the leader and administers discipline to the other. The discipline is to motivate their partner to be the best woman she can be, to better their relationship and I believe that it increases communication and trust in a relationship. I really like having three types of spankings in a relationships; erotic, maintenance and discipline. I will say I also think that there are play spankings but I am writing about my thoughts on spanking inside of a relationship.

Erotic spankings are fun, playful and usually sexual in nature. There is not an offense to correct or a behavior to address. I enjoy erotic spankings, there is the connection between the spankee and spanker. For me these spankings are normally flesh on flesh, or leather on flesh. There is rubbing, touching, fingering between swats, are playful and fun. I love erotic spankings. Hand, leather, and other toys can be used during erotic spankings, but never wood. Sex can and often will occur after these type of spankings. These spankings are often in play, chasing around the house, play wrestling that ends in a spanking, etc.

Maintenance spankings are like oil changes for the bum. Often times I can go large periods of times between needing a discipline spanking. Maintenance serves several purposes. First, it reinstates the gender roles and relationship roles that have been set up. It helps me mentally remember he is in charge and makes the final decisions, I belong to him, and I defer to him for guidance. Second, it helps me remember that there are consequences for actions and reminds me that my behavior needs to represent the strong, amazing woman that I am and that my actions represent him as well. Maintenance also often serves as a stress release. Maintenance is decided by the spanker. How often it is needed, and how it is enforced is his decision. Because it is not addressing a specific issue, it can lead to sex sometimes. Maintenance may or may not bring tears, the setting and atmosphere is often dictated by what is going on in the lives of the participants at the time. I wouldn’t say I enjoy maintenance but I do like them, it is a secure issue and I feel secure and taken care of when I am regularly being spanked. In previous relationships it had been either weekly or bimonthly scheduled. It was extremely helpful in maintaining the relationship and my attitude/mindset. I balk at the idea when I hear it but when I see it implemented it helps.

Discipline spankings. I actually do not enjoy discipline. I am not the type of person who will brat or be bad just to get a spanking. If I want a spanking for whatever reason I will ask for one. Discipline to me is a serious matter. It means I did something I should have not done and I am going to be corrected for it. I need discipline for a variety of reasons. The first reason is because I harbor a lot of self guilt. It is very hard for me to let go of things, especially if I have behaved in a manner that is below me or my expectations, have done something to disappoint those I care about, or simply put myself, others or my relationship in danger.

Discipline spankings help me release the guilt I am feeling. In addition, they show forgiveness from my partner. After a discipline spanking, the offense is put behind us and we move on, clean slate. Discipline spankings keep me accountable. Knowing that there are consequences for my behavior, beyond the normal natural consequences, inspires me to act in the best way I possibly can, it helps me slow down and think before I act, which I have major issues doing sometimes. Discipline spanking keeps me challenged to be the best person I can be. It is very important to me that there is some form of flesh on flesh action during discipline spankings. It is the intimacy and personal touch that I need to get the emotional connection off the bat, that is why warm ups are so important to me. I need to know why I am getting spanked… that is also vastly important to me. I go through a ton of emotions when I am going through a discipline spanking. Anger, stubbornness to begin with. Then the submission, the acceptance and the remorse come to play. It’s important that the person that is disciplining me understands the phases and doesn’t stop before it occurs. How much it takes depends on the mindset going in, the implements, force, etc, those things are out of my control and my hands. Which is why it makes the spanking so effective. The pain of the spanking as well as the submission of the positions is both extremely important to me. While other discipline is used and I respect it and it works, the spanking is what really helps me get past things, the pain and the submission, the lack of control, jolts something inside of me. 

I need discipline, I crave it. I need knowing I will be held accountable, that someone cares enough to want the best out of me and for me. It is a non negotiable.