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Saturday, June 18, 2011


I pretty much disappeared off of the face of the earth for the last few months. Hubby and I have been going through some things, all related to DD. See, when we started dating I introduced him to all of this, and now years later it is still a rollercoaster. It is hard to train an HOH and I am not the top from the bottom type. When we first started on this journey he was very good at taking charge and being consistent. Then somewhere over the years it dwindled and dwindled… until before he deployed to Afghanistan he had only spanked me once in the entire year.

Now, did I earn more than that? Yes! He would argue that I am generally fairly well behaved, but that is only because our standards are too lax for my liking. This past year I have had to be independent. But, as an Army wife of a soldier in a specialty field that deploys often for long periods of time, that is not abnormal. In addition to being required to be independent Im also required to monitor my own behavior at all times, which is fine, but of course there is little to no recourse for misbehaving. Therefore, as a mature woman, I recognize that my behavior and actions while deployed can either help or hinder his life and safety. Not wanting to be a distraction, I make sure to mostly behave.

During his R&R we had to really discuss our DD relationship. It was a prerequisite when we started dating, if he cant be the head of the house I cant be married to him. He has put little to no effort into being the head of the house, living by example, and disciplining me when I need it. I think he desires to do it but he doesn’t know what he is doing. It came down to thinking and discussing divorce. Which he was adamantly opposed to. DD is a NEED of mine, not a want, a need. It is something that I know I cannot live without.

So, I did a lot of thinking, discussing and exploring. I was for sure that this was going to end my marriage. But, he swears he wants to try again, do this right. The problem is that I have no idea how to “teach” him. He is naturally dominant. But, when it comes to the actual spanking he always lets me up way too soon, and when it comes to the lecturing and follow through he is wishy washy. He doesn’t have a mentor to talk to, and because of the sadistically crazy people online I would be very weary of just anyone mentoring him. Certain websites have really scared me with the abusive and crazy way that some of the members act. There are a couple that I do trust and that the people are sane and normal, but I backed away from most of the sites when I took a break.

I wanted to know if I could live without this in my life. The answer is no.  He said to be the best HOH he can be I need to give him honest feedback, I just feel like I am topping from the bottom. And let me tell you, while over his knee, I find it hard to say, “Yeah, I need more then that” or, “are you kidding me that is all you have?” I want it to, in that moment end. But when it does end so soon its frustrating, like it feels he wasn’t taking it seriously, or I didn’t get to the emotional connection I needed.

We are trying this again, but it has to be the last time. For the past years it has been back and forth, back and forth. I cant do it anymore. Its either going to work, or Im done. I cant do this. It is so emotionally draining. I need structure, consistency and a husband who is the head of our family, NEED, not want. And he understands that and promises he will, but those are the same promises he has spoken to me over and over again in the past. This time, this deployment, supposedly changed him. I want to believe it. All I really know is that without this working, we, as a couple cannot work.

He needs examples, so Ive been trying to find healthy dd videos, like those on Chris and Ellas website to direct him towards. The problem is while I can tell him what I need (I need more structure, I need more guidance, I need consistency and follow through in discipline) I cant tell him HOW to lecture, or HOW to spank. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t want him to just tell me what I want to hear.

So, readers, that is where I am and where I have been lately. I joined the spanko site, sure that my marriage was ending, but it is not. When it boils down to it, I love my husband very much. I trust him. Our vanilla marriage is great. I enjoy spending time with him, communicating, etc. But our DD aspect is horrific right now and without it our marriage will fail. I hate starting from scratch again, weve done that a billion times, but this is the last time. Either he figures it out, or we are done on this journey together. Sounds cruel and cold, but he married me as the HOH. He represented himself as such, and I feel sometimes, that he falsely represented himself. He says he wants this dynamic but often times it has been a real struggle getting him to follow through. 

I am not a brat, Im not bad on purpose, but I need his guidance and I feel like I am out of control and flopping around without it.

I may rejoin the living in the groups that I do feel are sane… but this is why Ive been hiding. 


Stormy said...

I'm sorry for this frustrating time. It's good you have identified your needs and he knows he wants to meet your needs. Honestly, I wish my husband would not have gotten so strict so soon. I guess the grass always looks greener...smile.

Audra said...

That is really hard. I was feeling very much the same way when we started this life, and of couse during I've felt that way too. But communication is key and it sounds like you really had a difficult discussion while he was home this time. I know that for Craig what made him really step up to the plate was the fear that I would seek this attention from another person. That thought really got him upset and he started trying harder.

I constantly send him blog links, and information. But I had to tell him how I wanted things, and if I need a spanking I have to tell him sometimes. its a learning process. Right now you are in a really hard place with him being gone, and you home with no one to hold you accountable.

Hang in there, don't give up. It will be worth it in the end to hang onto your man, he sounds like a good guy and that is hard to come by these days!

I'm glad you are back.

CedenoGems said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I do hope u don't act too rash about this. This is supposed to help marriages, not end them. U guys are in a tough spot with him being away. Understand that most dd relationships take a good three years to become consistent! Thats when they are both there. I just think it would be sad to think u cant love him and be with him because of this. He didnt marry u just to be your hoh. Give him a break and give him help. You ARE going to have to tell him what u need and at what level.

Hang in there please!


His First Mate said...

I totally understand how you are feeling. we have only been at this a few months, but I get it totally. I try to build up my HOH by telling him how productive i feel after he disciplines me, how much i like it when he is the boss, etc. Also have you seen this website? It is written by a male domestic discipline counselor and it is very basic step by s tep info on all aspects of a DD relationship.


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