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Sunday, June 19, 2011


I am so so tired of people telling me to be patient or that I am being selfish. Yes, we have a good vanilla relationship, yes we have a lot of love, passion and communication. But no, that is not enough. It is not and I don’t understand how after years and years of giving him my all, meeting all his needs, sacrificing everything, literally everything, my career, education, finances, credit, life, friends, EVERYTHING to be his wife, I am the selfish one for calling him to task.

He promised me that he would be the HOH. I gave him multiple outs over the years, and said a few times I would walk away from DD. Each time he told me no. He said he wanted it as much as I did. I asked him again today and he said absolutely not, we aren’t giving up on DD.  He PROMISED me before we got married, before we got serious that it was a lifestyle he wanted, that he craved, that he desired as much as I did and he promised to do it.

I used an example earlier: If a man said that he was married, lived with his wife, and every single night slept in the same bed but he would only get sex from her once a year on their wedding anniversary and felt like his needs weren’t met, people would respond differently. People would be giving him advice. They would tell him how to either make sex more desirable for her, or offer suggestions on how to get her to meet his needs. They would think she was being selfish and a bad wife for not meeting her husband’s needs.

How in GODS NAME is this any different? I told him BEFORE we were married, before we got serious, on the second date about DD. I recognized his natural dominant ability and his natural leadership from day one (we knew each other before dating) and he not only agreed he enthusiastically embraced it. Then over the years he slowly withdrew and then just quit until where it was once in a year. ONCE. That is not acceptable. Period. Yes I am being selfish, but my needs are NOT being met. And it is a NEED. Not a WANT as some people are saying.

I am a damn good wife. I go beyond what most wives do to not only meet my husbands needs, but to support him in everything. I love him, I am loyal, I do little things to let him know I am thinking about him. I man the fort when he deploys for years at a time, and do everything, and I mean everything, to keep things running smoothly at home and give him the least amount of stress. When he is home, I spoil him. His friends and family tell him daily how lucky he is to have me. I surrendered everything to be his wife, gladly, knowing I love him deeply, but also knowing he would protect me, from myself if necessary, he would be there always, he would be my friend, and my hoh. I would not have married him, or continued to date him if he had said no to DD. Period. I would have walked away then.

I don’t ask for much. I can financially support myself. I can take care of myself. I don’t need a lot of attention, obviously, he is never here. I just need his love and him to be the head of our house. I need and crave and have to have DD. And he isn’t providing it. He wants to, but he needs help with it and I need help helping him, but instead of help I get condemnation. That is not what I need. And that is why I disappeared from the forums.

We had a good phone conversation today. We talked about it, actually he made me put soap in my mouth for sassing him, (Ill take it). He told me he needs a mentor, a safe place to talk about all this with others, well that might not happen. He told me mostly he needs honest feedback from me, such as after a discipline session saying, “This worked” or “This didn’t work”. I get that… but how do I do that? I mean Ive told him I need more or harder or whatnot but it doesn’t seem to come out right. And what I need more is the emotional aspect, the talking, that I cant fix. I don’t know.

All I know is this marriage will NOT work without DD. And I will walk away. Call me whatever names you want, tell me Im being selfish. I don’t care. I have given LITERALLY everything  I have to this man and the one thing I need isn’t being met. That is not fair to me and I don’t care who says otherwise. I am not expecting too much, I am not demanding he be a “perfect” hoh, Im simply asking him to try (if he wants to, which he claims he does and claims to desire).

So I don’t need to hear that I am forcing this on him. I am not. Don’t believe me? Ask him yourself.

I don’t need to hear that I need to be patient. Ive been patient for eight years. Im out of patience.

I need to know how to explain the spanking to him. I need to know how to explain how to lecture to him.

He is willing to do this. I just don’t find training an HOH to be beneficial to either partner, because realistically 

I wont get what I need because what I need is MORE then what I can verbally tell him.

What I need is for him to take control and be consistent. I need to see his desire to do this and to see him trying, he doesn’t have to do anything other than try. 


kiwigirliegirl said...

You are not selfish, you are being honest and obviously very frustrated. Have you gvien any thought to writing a contract of what is acceptable or what behaviour you both would like to see changed and the punishments for non compliance of that contract or setting rules of behaviour and consequences of breaking those rules. Print out your blog and let him read it. I am only starting out in this lifestyle so not sure how much help i can be but i understand the frustration. Wish you luck hon xx

CedenoGems said...

I totally see your point. My only point was that I think it's going to be hard to get something going when he's gone for years at a time as you say. I mean most folsk have a hard time getting it going when they are in each other's presence daily. You want to be spanked as a discipline, but he's not physically there to do it, to practice, to hear what works and what doesn't, etc.. So how do you propose to rememdy that? I mean take your sex example. If the sex was bad or not enough, if the guy was away for 2 years, exactly how do you get better being apart? When he gets back, it's been so long, it's like starting over. I just don't understand how either of you can get the consistency and get you what you need when he is away that much.

We could never make that work. We would physically need to be together all the time to perfect it.

Spanked Army Wife said...

When he is away we practice with none physical discipline. Grounding, lines, corner time, revoking privileges, bedtimes, etc.

This is She. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CedenoGems said...

Ah, I see. I didn't realize you used so many other forms of discipline.

Mbottom said...

From experience, I find it much easier explaining what I need in the form of an email to him, the day after.....my likes/dislikes, waht worked and what didnt.....what I need more or less of.....He seems to be catching on and wants to be what I desire for him to be....Would you find it easier for you to tell him in an email??

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