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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Not good news

I havent written anything in awhile... we are going through a lot. I started clomid before he came home. I became pregnant on the 21st. This is our fifth pregnancy. We have had a still birth and four D&Cs after missed miscarriages after 11 weeks and cardiac activity. No reason. Every medical test you can think ran on us.

We were excited. Im in the best shape of my life right now and we really thought this would be the one... but weve been told the pregnancy is nonviable.

Our first HCG was last Friday. It was 36.
Our second was Monday. It was 83
Our third was today. It was 104.

The doctor says its inevitable that we will lose this pregnancy like we have the previous four. When is the question. Whether it will be after the baby advances to have a heart beat, or before, we do not know. We have never had a miscarriage that was the normal, bleeding. We have always heard the heartbeat, seen the baby and then no explainable reason it stops and the baby just dies. We have even had "tissue" and "chromosome" studies after the babies have died.

I cant express the devastation, heartbreak, or pain of  knowing you are pregnant and you are carrying around a child who is dying inside of you and being completely helpless to do anything about it.

12 comments:

B'Man said...

I'm sorry.

Serenity said...

I'm so sorry. I miscarried my first, that felt like a nightmare. What you describe is just incomprehensible.

findingsara said...

I know your feelings of loss and pain are overwhelming right now. I am just so very sorry! Sara

Heather said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you! Big hugs <3

Emily said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

kiwigirliegirl said...

Words cannot express how sad i am for you my heart is breaking for you all. Im so sorry - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your hubby and your baby.

Stormy said...

I'm so very sad, and you are right..there's no way to espress such pain. It's beyond all of us. Lean on your husband. Draw near to one another. Draw strength from one another.

My heart breaks for you and this loss.

Chelsea said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you.

baby girl said...

So sorry to hear that. I have done the Clomid thing, so I know hormones are already high but then to have to deal with this too...

My thoughts go out to you.

Abel1234 said...

Sometimes blogs that one reads for mentions of spanking contain posts of unbearable poignancy that are nothing at all to do with kink. This is perhaps the saddest and most touching of those that one could ever read, and moved me greatly. Sending all best wishes to both of you, and hope you derive some little comfort from the caring thoughts from your readers here.

Ashley said...

I miscarried a baby and had a D&C.....it was the most painful experience of my life. With that said.....I'm so sorry, I will keep you in my prayers and I'm sending you hugs and sunshine...I'm so very sorry - that sounds just horrible sweetie.

Florida Dom said...

Mere words are so inadequate at a time like this. All I can say I'm sorry. And wish you the best in the future. There are probably blogs by women in your situation that might help you cope with the pain.

FD

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