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Saturday, September 17, 2011

This has nothing to do with spanking... lol eventually Ill get back to that

Well technically I am still pregnant, if you go off of the HCG levels. We are still waiting for those to drop. Because of the hormones I am still extremely sensitive to things, and “pregnant crazy” as a friend of ours calls his wife when she is pregnant. A friend of mine gave birth to an absolutely beautiful angelic baby boy yesterday. You know what, it didn’t bother me at all. Seriously. Because I know she will be an amazing mommy and she deserves her miracle. I didn’t feel even a twinge of jealousy or resentment towards her. I can’t say that is always the feeling I will have because sometimes I see women giving birth and I shake my head and cringe. There are women out there who have babies for all the wrong reasons: to keep their husband from leaving them, for money, for attention, etc. Personally I think the only reason someone should ever have a baby to celebrate the love that the couple shares and to increase their love in their family by adding to it.

That is all I have to say about babies tonight.

I am currently surrounded by recipes. Literally. I have a new cookbook I just unwrapped to my left, an old torn up one to my write, magazine cut outs and recipes cards strewn all over as I try to find this recipes online to post in a facebook group I am in. Some of them I have to type out because they are my creations.

Let me tell you about my husband and food. He is spoiled. He knows he is spoiled and will readily admit to such spoilage. See, when I met him he was living a bachelor life. He would buy a party size frozen lasagna, bake it in the oven and every night until it ran out cut off a piece of the lasagna and eat it for dinner. His pantry consisted of Blue Box Mac n Cheese (only Kraft for him) and his freezer consisted of Stouffers frozen family or party size meals that would feed him for a week. You could consistently find those dollar pizzas stacked high and empty boxes loading his trash can. It was quite disgusting.

Then I entered into the picture. Because I love to cook he started to really love to eat. Ok, so I sort of have hurt his girlish figure. When I met him he was maxing PT scores, top of the line fit. Now… well he doesn’t bust tape and he passes his pt test… of course we have both gotten older. My love for cooking started at a young age. I find it to be like writing, something I really enjoy. The preparation, the hard work, and then sharing it and hoping others feel my love and joy as they partake in it.

When we first got married I was teaching myself how to cook. In between lavish home cooked meals was mac n cheese, hamburger helper, and other prepackaged meals. Over time these became less and less until it was months between when a blue box would be on our shelves. Yes, he became very spoiled. My husband is now a foody.

In fact, he is so spoiled that when I dragged him to the grocery store recently (I think he would rather have teeth pulled then go with me to the grocery store. The man is a big old baby when it comes to grocery shopping. And he is a grump to have with you, which is why I pretty much never take him. But I was pregnant and I needed dog food, thus he was with me for lifting) he kept taking things out of my cart! That is right folks, he was removing food from the cart, shaking his head and explaining that “we don’t eat this anymore” or “but your homemade is so much better.” I had to rescue my ONE box of mac n cheese (the first box I’ve bought in a long long time) and I had to counter that there might be a time when he is not home and I don’t feel like cooking for one that I might want some mac n cheese. Tonight, as I eat my allotted one cup of mac n cheese that I doctored to not be as high in calories/fat, I am grinning to myself. Thankful that I put it back in the cart. I was quite astounded when we checked out and the bill was over two hundred dollars. We had been on vacation and had emptied our kitchen before going but man! And then I was even more surprised when putting away the groceries and I realized how many items were seasonings and condiments, not food!  As I looked at the items in the bags and realized how much he had put back I came to the conclusion: he is off grocery shopping detail indefinitely!

My dear husband requests meals. It makes my heart smile when he does. In fact I tell him all the time when he is my experiment rat he HAS to tell me if he doesn’t like it and I wont make it again, but if he says he does like it he is going to have to eat it over and over. There has only been one dish he hasn’t liked. Oddly, it is Campbells Chicken and Rice Casserole. He seems to think its extremely bland and gross. It does sort of resemble nursing home food. I made that five years ago and to this day it is the only dish we can think of that he hasn’t like. Now, me on the other hand…

What he doesn’t realize when he is requesting food is the amount of work or time it takes for a dish. But you know what, he never complains. Ever. He just gets excited when the dish does appear on the menu. He has a few absolute favorites. My chilli is his number one. The funny thing about that is the recipe was an absolute accident. I was missing a few ingredients so I substituted one day and now, well if you ask him I cold take a world championship with the recipe. He’s such a goof.

I was thinking about my darling husband and food as I poured over the healthy recipes for the group. Trying to figure out which ones I could get away with sneaking onto the menu and which ones he would throw a fit over (anything with lima beans or tofu for sure!) As I thought about our recent grocery trip I looked down at my new throw, and it made up for every item he removed from the cart.

I have this issue with buying things for myself. I just, don’t do it. It drives him nuts. I don’t know if it is that I feel bad, knowing that my income goes to paying off credit/loans and not household items, or if it just the way I have grown up. I never got new things as a child. It was always used, garage sale items, and never anything I “wanted”. I feel spoiled every time I buy myself a new pair of jeans, or tennis shoes. I don’t need a lot of “wants” to make me feel loved. I live in an amazing house and have enough money to make amazing dishes that my husband loves and looks forward to.

The day after we went grocery shopping we headed to Costco. Once a month we go there and stock up on things like toilet paper. While we were there we noticed office chairs on sale. For over two years I have wanted a chair for the office. I was using a cold, metal folding chair. The chair was extremely uncomfortable so I didn’t spend time in the office, where my scrapbook table was set up. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I scrapbooked. I sat in one of the chairs, swirled around and laughed. The chair got put in the cart. I removed it. He put it back… well needless to say I have a new chair in my office.

Then, as we walked to the register I saw this display of throws. Green and blue, fuzzy and ubber soft. I picked one up and grinned it was so soft. I put it back down. I do this all the time with things, pick them up, put them down. You know you do not need that throw. I mentioned, “too bad they don’t have a red one that would match our living room.” My husband sees a red one on the box photo and then lifts pallet after pallet until he finds a red one and tosses it into the cart. “Honey, we don’t need a throw.” I tell him, fingering the lovely (fake) lamb skin. I remove it from the cart. “Besides its twenty five dollars and there is so much more we could spend twenty five dollars on.” My voice of reason. I head towards the register, where my husband suddenly appears with the red throw and tosses it on the belt. “Don’t argue.”

I didn’t. And you know what? This blanket has magical powers. In the last week there have been two days where I have been physically and emotionally exhausted but couldn’t sleep. Both times I have picked up the blanket, wrapped myself in it and fallen asleep for hours. Who would have known?

You see, marriage is a lot like shopping carts. It is full of give and takes, putting in and taking out. But in the end, it is so worth it. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Its been a month...

We had a nice vacation and Ill write some more about that soon. I had emergency surgery this week and its been very difficult to write things out. 

Since my last post my HCG levels had stabilized, caught up and then normalized.

Both my husband and I had chromosomes tested. Both completely normal/healthy.
Both have had our DNA analyzed. Normal.
My uterus is completely normal. The lining is fine. The shape and location is perfect. 
My cervix is great.
I do not have any form of clotting disorder, diabetes, thyroid disorders etc.
There has been dye tests performed on my tubes and through my uterus. Perfectly healthy.
I do not have PCOS.
My eggs are strong and healthy.
My progesterone is produced just fine. 

Yet, we have had multiple missed miscarriages. Miscarriages that have occurred after the heartbeat has both been seen and heard. My body has never bled. We have had to have a D&C for each and every miscarriage. We have also had a still birth where I had to deliver our son after he died. There has been multiple tests ran on the babies to see if there was any genetic/chromosome issues that caused there deaths. All of them have been healthy.

Weds we had emergency surgery for a molar pregnancy. My uterus was full of blood and masses of cells. The sac was present in the past few ultrasounds but a baby was never seen. My blood pressure dropped rapidly, my temperature raised and the doctor literally was worried about my safety and life, cancelled all her patients for today and had me in surgery. They have removed the cells, some of which had buried into my uterus, and sent them to pathology to make sure they did not turn into cancerous cells in hopes that I wont need chemo.

When the HCG had stabilized and increased we had become very hopeful. Then we saw the sac and were hopeful again. But at nine weeks there should have been more then just a sac. The large clusters of cells kept multiplying the longer I waited. The doctor literally told me I could not wait any longer without risking death and we had zero chance of a live baby.

So now we wait. Wait for the hormones to leave the body, wait for pathology to read the tissue, and let my body and mind heal once again.