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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Good News Today :)

Heart beat increased 3 beats a day like they want. Bean measured perfectly and so did the sacs. Been released from my fertility specialist back to my OB. All the blood work was perfect so my next appointment (fingers crossed nothing goes wrong) is Dec 19th. Three weeks away! Thats the most time Ive ever had between appointments! I hope I can stay sane! Doc said everything looked perfect :)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

E.R. Visit

Went to e.r. due to pain/Spotting. Baby measured 6weeks 1day. Heart rate 105bpm. The E.R. doctor said that's a little too slow, the E.R. nurse said it was WAY too low and to expect to miscarriage. They found 3 large cyst and prescirbed full pelvic rest and as much bedrest as possible. Follow up ultrasound Tues with our fertility doctor hoping for higher heart rate. Although the charts I've seen say 90-110bpm or some say 103 or higher at six weeks, I thought maybe 105 was ok?! 


So now we wait and see what happens on Tuesday. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Spank the Turkey!

If we all received spankings for over eating or straying from our diets, I think all of us spanked wives in DD blogmosphere would be posting about lasts nights spanking...

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving and black Friday if you ventured out.

I am going to try harder to write more. There just has been very little for me to blog about in the past week. I am keeping up with many of your blogs and do plan on following up the award blog.

I also mistakenly used this email address to set up a vanilla forum account! When I lost my password for that account (I had it so cookies always logged me in, somehow cookies got cleared and I couldnt log in!) I had to email the moderator to get the password. When she said she sent it to spankedarmywife@gmail.com I about lost it. I hope they dont google that account! It was a military forum site, man will I be outed then!

ALSO TO THE COUPLE WHO SEEMS TO HAVE A GOAL OF CONVERTING US BACK TO VANILLA WHILE I APPRECIATE THE EXCHANGE OF IDEAS, I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO HARASS OR WRITE HATE COMMENTS ON MY BLOGS IN RESPONSE TO FRIENDS COMMENTS. MY COMMENTS ARE SET FOR MODERATION. I WILL NOT PUBLISH ANYTHING THAT ACCUSES US OF BEING ABUSIVE, CONTROLLED, OR OTHERWISE NEGATIVE TOWARDS THIS WONDERFUL LIFESTYLE. K? K!

P.S. If you have emailed me recently I apologize for not responding. I was hacked and my email password was changed. I have set up a cell phone number associated with the account, have full access to it again. It was rather weird, whoever did it did not email anyone nor delete any of my emails (unless they were new.) I know it wasn't Matthew so I am a bit befuddled by it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

*PHEW* What a scare

Note: I do not use the military health care system. I chose to pay a copay instead. Military healthcare almost killed me, literally, when they sent me home after my appendix had ruptured on a Friday night to see my primary care physician on Monday. Three hours after I was unconscience in my house. Had a friend not stopped by I would have died- my appendix had then burst. In addition we have at least TWENTY friends who have had similar things happen. I cant tell you the number of women we have met whose birth records for their babies have had wrong info (wrong dates, wrong weights, wrong GENDERS, etc) because of military hospitals. There are some good doctors out there and some good clinics HOWEVER, because military dependents and military cannot legally sue the military hospitals there isnt the checks and balances that there are in a civilian world. When I talk about my medical care it not military.

My hcg levels have been doubling, sometimes tripling, wonderfully. Two days ago while shopping there was a very obnoxious child who was slamming his cart into random people's carts. He slammed his into mine, pushing mine into my stomach. (This is before I watched what he was doing and saw him do it to at LEAST three other women.)

I know I have tons of cushion surrounding bean and that I shouldn't have worried. But, being the highest risk level for pregnancy and having had as many losses as we have, I did. Yesterday morning I had a follow up hcg and while there asked my doctor (I have a team of fertility doctors. A fertility specialist and an OB just for starters. The blood draws are at the fertility specialist officer, done by a nurse, and processed there in the same office. No lab. I get the response in two hours. He only takes 12 cases at a time, he doesnt take referrals from anyone but his specific team of doctors, to use him you have to meet this LONG list of requirements so his phone never rings more than once, the entire staff knows you and your case intimately.)

Anyway, he came out of his office while I was getting my blood drawn and asked how I was doing. I told him about the cart. He said, lets do a pelvic just for peace of mind. We do. He can easily feel my left ovary and it is pretty swollen so he decides to do an ultrasound. Remembering I am only five weeks (barely at the time) pregnant he tells me not to expect to see much of the pregnancy.

What we do see is a lot of fluid. He worried that the pregnancy was ectopic, or that a cyst ruptured, or that something had happened to my ovary/tube. He was pretty sure it was a cyst but with my history didn't want to miss anything. So, he sends me to our hospital E.R. for a second opinion "just to be on the safe side" and because two of the members of our team are working on call there for that time period.I get to the E.R. there is a wait but not for me, a doctor is waiting at the desk for me and escorts me straight to a bed!

From there I had vitals, blood work, and an IV started. Two bags later (the external ultrasound needs a full bladder) I am being wheeled down to the state of the art ultrasound center they have.

Not only were we able to see a gestational sac but also the fetal pole! She zoomed in and we were able to clearly see the rounded part, the skinny worm part, and the tail end. It was pretty exciting to be able to see that much that soon in the pregnancy. No heart rate yet but it is too early for that.

We were also able to see that the ovary that released the egg that is now bean left a huge cyst that ruptured inside. My doctor said I have the biggest pain tolerance he's ever seen in a woman! Natural birth should be no problem lol. It wasn't even bugging me, just a bit tender.

(No the cart did not cause it to burst. The cart caused the initial exam which led to finding the cyst.)

The other good news is that my HCG level went way up to over 4400!! It is advancing just the way it should.

My specialist is amazing. He showed up to the E.R. fifteen minutes after I did and stayed the entire time, was there for the ultrasounds, consulted with the teams of doctors and didnt leave until they came in and discharged me. Well, actually, he discharged me but we had to wait for the nurse with the paperwork. The E.R. doctor said it is rare for doctors to do that.

Matthew was a bit disappointed that I didnt think to ask for the ultrasound picture of bean, I was so worried and anxious at the time I didnt even think about it. We are reallllly hoping this is the one, the baby that sticks. We are hoping when we go in for the follow up tomorrow doc has them. We are having a follow up U/s on Monday as well.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Cautiously Optimistic!









My hcg on Tuesday (four days before my period due) was 72. When we went in for the follow up HCG on Thursday (two days before my period) we were told that below 72 Im miscarrying and between 72-143 it would be an unviable pregnancy because it did not double and above 144 viable. All of my pregnancies have started with low hcg and often they halved instead of doubled. 72 this early is high for me (but good) it was 38 same time last pregnancy. Anyway Thursday my hcg was 267. It almost tripped!!! My fertility specialist was very happy with it. I am on progesterone now and we go back Monday. Before I am five weeks pregnant Ill have five blood test and if Monday is good (1068 or higher would be perfect) we will have our first ultrasound as well. Prayers and positive thoughts are much appreciated!


Weve always waited a year between miscarriages. This time however, we were told that you are more fertile after a miscarriage and that after a D&C your uterus walls are thinner, which makes implantation easier. So, we took the advice and got pregnant again. Its hard, I am not sure I was quite healed from our last loss. 


To the comment about asking my doctor about spanking: I wouldnt even begin to know how to ask that! He'd doesnt know we practice DD.












Also, yesterday I picked Mattehw up from the airport. It was great having my Iraq and Afghanistan war veteran home for Veterans day from yet another mission! 


Every veterans day I think about my time in the Army and my wonderful battle buddies, the friends I lost to the wars, and the closeness you get with your military family. 


I am so thankful to the men and women who have sacrificed everything, who wrote a blank check to the American people ready and willing to lay down up to their very lives for all Americans to be free and safe. To all the US and Allied forces, and their families, who sacrifice so much, Thank You. Gone. But NEVER Forgotten.


RIP Evan, Jessica, Shane, Matt, James and the many others who have gone before and will come after you. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

PREGNANT!! Yes, again






Normally we have a year between each miscarriage at least. But, our fertility doctor had said that after a D&C is a good time to try again. The idea is your walls are thinner and the implantation can get deeper.

We will be four weeks Thursday. Today our HCG was 72. Thursday in order for them to think it is viable it needs to be 144. Please please send good vibes that it is 144. Weve been trying for years for a baby and every time we have miscarried. :( Matthew is 30 and I am 28, soon to be 29 and really want to start our family.



Also, can anyone give us DD advice during pregnancy. Did you get spanked while pregnant? If not what method did you use? How did it work (both sides) with pregnancy hormones?

Saturday, November 5, 2011

HELP PLEASE BLOGGERS :)





Several of you have read my Josh & Becky series.
And many have read my Trainer series. Both are extremely popular on Fet and on Spankingclassics.com

I would like to start writing spanking fiction again. But, Matthew says I should write them as books and sell them online.

Any idea what website would be the best to use for this? How to do this? Is it a good idea? Do you think my spanking fiction would sell?

Thanks for the advice!

Survey (Stole from P)








What is your screen name?   Jess or Spanked Army Wife

How long have you been practicing TTWD?  Over a decade

What is your astrological sign?  Sagitarious

In what part of the country do you live?   Colorado

Do you have children?   nope

Do you have grandchildren?   nope

What is your favorite color?   Red, blue, green 

What is your favorite day of the week?  Saturday 

Morning or Evening?   Neither. Im good with both

Favorite TV Show?   Anything law enforcement. Blue Bloods, Third Watch, Law & Order SVU, Criminal Minds etc

Favorite pro sport?   All of them! I'm a Chicago fan

Favorite Ice Cream?    I love ice cream. Right now probably pistachio! 

Person from Blogland you'd like to meet?   There are soooo many. Ive been wanting to meet B'Man and Sugar for a long time. C&E. The entire crew from learning dd.
 
Person from Blogland who makes you laugh?   Most of them do
Person from Blogland you identify with the most?    Stormy
First person who welcomed you to blogging?    Oh goodness its been ten years... 

Title of your first blog entry?  TTWED It was a post I wrote back in June 2003

What are you wearing on your feet right now?   socks

What are you listening to right now?    Criminal Minds
Chocolate or Vanilla?   Always chocolate
Coffe or Tea?   Both! I have coffee every morning. I love hot tea before bed or at Chinese restaurants and love love ice tea and old fashioned sweet tea

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?   Sweet tea

Favorite alcoholic drink?  cranberry vodka 

Favorite vacation spot?  hmmmm this needs further research ;) 

Favorite Holiday?   WINTER!! I love all the holidays in the winter season :) Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day, My birthday =)

Favorite season?   Oh I LOVE the seasons. Probably fall. I adore the colors of fall

Place you want to visit?   Ireland and Italy 

If you had to start all over again, would you still choose TTWD?   ABSOLUTELY! 

Best piece of advice you can pass on about TTWD?
TTWD has to be defined individually be each couple. NEVER say NEVER. Evolve with it, grow with it. Make sure you have OPEN COMMUNICATION. Communication in TTWD is absolutely fundamental. Take it slowly- dont jump in feet first with a three dozen rules. Make sure you both have the same expectations and realistic goals. Don't romanticize dd and expect it to be the sudden cure all for all your marital woes. If you spank without talking I firmly believe it wont do any good. You have to both be on the same page, have the same goals, and want what is best for your family and marriage. What works for one couple might not work for another. BLOG! Or get involved in the online dd community. It is so great to find an online mentor, to talk with others that TTWD. Be flexible. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Holy Hell!

Haha! The title is my new catch phrase. I say it all the time. Its a fun phrase, not sure where I got it from.



I have had a really tough last couple days. I had coffee with my ex best friend trying to decide what to do about her. We stopped being friends because of how much she changed and how she was treating me, the relationship became toxic. I was only there for her convienience. It was super hard to stick up for myself and to end the friendship but on the flip side Im her two year olds godmother. She wont let me see him unless we reconcile. Its such a hard place to be in.







Then, in addition, I have a women in crime class I am taking. The class talks about specific crimes women commit (child murder, theft, prostitution) and those that women are often the victims of (rape, child abuse, child murder, domestic violence) things that are not easy to talk about. A bigger issue with the class is my proffesor. He is very very feminist to the point where I feel like he would be one to think dd is domestic violence and we are all brainwashed. I don't talk about it, at all, but some of his feminist views, his overwhelming feminist views (he believes women should have more civil rights and constitutional protections then men) gets a bit hard to stomach. He thinks that women should get more rights then men do when it comes to children, that they should be more protected and they should be the only voice that matters. It doesn't sit well with me.




Note: I dont agree with the entire caption. I do believe in traditional gender roles for our marriage and that women should embrace their sexual differences from men, not exploit them. Women should vote, and be able to hold jobs. But I think the point of feminism was for women to have equal not MORE rights then men.



So my emotions have been all over the place.



Today I had a midterm in my hardest class. It is ridiculously hard. I was so worried about it even though I studied, having coffee with my ex best friend today was not a good idea, it was definitely a distraction. Well I learned from the last test DONT CHANGE YOUR ANSWERS! So, I took the test. I normally take about twenty minutes for it, I took over an hour. I took apart each question, rewrote it in words I use instead of the HUGE words the prof used and tried hard. When I left the classroom I sat on the floor in the hallway and cried for a few minutes. I was overwhelmed and my brain was so tired. I was convinced I passed but I thought I barely did. I was expecting a C or a D.




I logged in and checked my grade a bit ago and I got an A!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I had to keep looking! I currently have a 98% in my hardest class. I scored a perfect score on the presentation, a high A on the paper and a low A on the test. One more test in there. I think its because I recognized it as my hardest that I started studying more for it and took my other classes for granted. I need to find a healthy balance. Id like to see a good GPA my first semester back in school after eight years.








Last night I had a conversation with Matthew on the computer. At one point he couldnt hear me, his internet in the room went bad. He SAID he couldnt hear me but he had this devilish look on his face. So I said DUDE!! DUDE!! DUDE!! (lack of total sense) but he didnt hear it! I was laughing so hard. I thought he was pretending to not hear me, so I said, "I'm the boss!" like five times, nothing! Thank goodness he really couldnt hear me. Yeah, what got into me? LOL! I had a blast teasing him.

Well, that is all I have for now! Hope everyone has a great Friday night.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Ice, Ice, ICE!

I didn't get much sleep last night. The wind was ridiculous! I woke up to a fresh coat of snow, but worst, ICE! Here is a picture I took of our road. It is 1 inch think and its not melting. Its crazy to walk on Im a bit worried about driving on it to class in a bit.


I am sort of glad Matthew isnt here today. I woke up in a bad mood with a bad attitude. I'm sure that wouldnt be so good for me. Although, maybe it is a spanking I am needing to get me out of this rut? I dont know. I am working on it though.

Thank you to everyone who read my blog yesterday and who commented and sent me kind emails. I am really having a hard time right now with some things. I have a vanilla blog I write and it is so frustrating to me. With all my friends on my facebook and in my life, I have almost no readers and very very rarely do I get comments. Yet, this blog, full of "strangers" is full of care, concern, and interest. Strange how that happens.

I do keep a lot of people at arms length and stick to surface friendships in my life. I've been hurt so much and with all the moving we do its easier that way sometimes. Its weird, but the internet is really my main stability. I have friends in DD groups that I've known for years!

I joined the online dd community back in 1999. At that time it was on yahoo and chat groups such as the "dungeon" which had a side room for dd. The yahoo forums became overran with bots at one point and we moved over to  windows, msn and hotmail. Through the years there have been many forums that have come and gone in popularity. I remember reading and interacting with the Bethany's Woodshed group, Taken in Hand and many others. I've been a member of Loving Domestic Discipline for years. Right now I am more a lurker then anything but I am still there. I was part of Spanking Classics back when we had a series running about a boarding school. The online DD community has been apart of my life longer than anything else. I am truly grateful for that.




There aren't a lot of people who stay around for a long time in the DD blogsmosphere. They come and go, leave and join, but I enjoy meeting new friends and getting to know them. I am so happy to have met some of the newer bloggers recently. I hope you all stay around for awhile!

I am not looking forward to going to class from 1pm- 10pm today. It is only two classes and they are in the same room! Eeek! But I have to go, I will have a 100% for attendance if nothing else. So I'm off. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Bad Night

I am stupid stupid stupid! Sometimes I think my self esteem issues are all consuming. I feel like Im so ugly all the time, and dumb. I don't know why Matthew wants to be with me or what he sees in me at all.


Its been a hard week for me. Halloween really makes you realize how much it sucks not to have kids sometimes and how much the infertility and multiple miscarriages can scar a person emotionally. It is really a holiday wrapped around children, especially the trick or treating. I didn’t hand out candy, went grocery shopping instead. No one goes grocery shopping on Halloween. I had the entire place to myself.



I was not invited to a single Halloween thing this year. Every other year I get invited to tons of parties, not this year, not a single one. There was one party specifically that made me feel like a pos. This person, for lack of a better word, made sure on THREE separate occasions to bring up her Halloween party and invite the people I was with or around, and make sure I knew I wasn’t invited. I loved seeing the photos and status messages about the party all over facebook. It was like being punched in the gut. Some of my friends said it was classless and very immature of her to make sure to remind and invite people with me there, but I personally think she did it on purpose, to punish me, and to let me know I wasn’t included It hurts like it did in elementary school when Amanda uninvited me because I was a foster kid. Being left out is never fun. In fact, it sucks. And for grown adults to act that way- its spiteful and downright mean. I feel like they are saying that I am not cool enough to be invited, Im not special enough, Im not liked. 


Anyway, the lack of invitations makes me feel how I have been feeling most lately- unloveable, alone, disconnected from the world.  It really stinks.



I just feel empty. I have very little interaction with people outside of class and a few texts/facebook messages. Part of me feels like its my fault and part of me feels like I am undeserving of relationships. Why should I feel deserving when I am rejected time and time again, and so publically at times?

School has done a great job of keeping me busy. I had my first midterm today. I scored a 86. I was so mad. I had gone back and changed several of my test answers. Had I not I would have only missed two questions and gotten a high A. Im so stupid. I cant even trust myself academically. I had to go and ruin a class that I was getting a high A in. Now the only way I can get an A is if I ace the final. Dumb dumb me.

Then I decided since its getting colder I’d go try on some clothes. I have two sweaters and about six hoodies in my house. That’s it. I drown in the hoodies since I lost so much weight. I need winter clothes. But everything I put on made me look HUGE. I mean all I could see was fat rolls and grossness. I think all women have days like that. Anyway, as I  went to try on another one, a piece of paper fell down. Here is what it said:


I thought how sweet and kind for someone to randomly leave this for a stranger. A womans fitting room is a good place for that.