! »

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Bad Night

I am stupid stupid stupid! Sometimes I think my self esteem issues are all consuming. I feel like Im so ugly all the time, and dumb. I don't know why Matthew wants to be with me or what he sees in me at all.

Its been a hard week for me. Halloween really makes you realize how much it sucks not to have kids sometimes and how much the infertility and multiple miscarriages can scar a person emotionally. It is really a holiday wrapped around children, especially the trick or treating. I didn’t hand out candy, went grocery shopping instead. No one goes grocery shopping on Halloween. I had the entire place to myself.

I was not invited to a single Halloween thing this year. Every other year I get invited to tons of parties, not this year, not a single one. There was one party specifically that made me feel like a pos. This person, for lack of a better word, made sure on THREE separate occasions to bring up her Halloween party and invite the people I was with or around, and make sure I knew I wasn’t invited. I loved seeing the photos and status messages about the party all over facebook. It was like being punched in the gut. Some of my friends said it was classless and very immature of her to make sure to remind and invite people with me there, but I personally think she did it on purpose, to punish me, and to let me know I wasn’t included It hurts like it did in elementary school when Amanda uninvited me because I was a foster kid. Being left out is never fun. In fact, it sucks. And for grown adults to act that way- its spiteful and downright mean. I feel like they are saying that I am not cool enough to be invited, Im not special enough, Im not liked. 

Anyway, the lack of invitations makes me feel how I have been feeling most lately- unloveable, alone, disconnected from the world.  It really stinks.

I just feel empty. I have very little interaction with people outside of class and a few texts/facebook messages. Part of me feels like its my fault and part of me feels like I am undeserving of relationships. Why should I feel deserving when I am rejected time and time again, and so publically at times?

School has done a great job of keeping me busy. I had my first midterm today. I scored a 86. I was so mad. I had gone back and changed several of my test answers. Had I not I would have only missed two questions and gotten a high A. Im so stupid. I cant even trust myself academically. I had to go and ruin a class that I was getting a high A in. Now the only way I can get an A is if I ace the final. Dumb dumb me.

Then I decided since its getting colder I’d go try on some clothes. I have two sweaters and about six hoodies in my house. That’s it. I drown in the hoodies since I lost so much weight. I need winter clothes. But everything I put on made me look HUGE. I mean all I could see was fat rolls and grossness. I think all women have days like that. Anyway, as I  went to try on another one, a piece of paper fell down. Here is what it said:

I thought how sweet and kind for someone to randomly leave this for a stranger. A womans fitting room is a good place for that.


Susie said...

Hey, hey, hey! We all have days like this and people in our lives who are immature and mean. The mean lady...well, we all know that people who act that way are amazingly insecure and miserable inside themselves. Heh, she needs a BIG, bad, spanking!

School...86 not so terrible. Don't be so hard on yourself. The kid thing...I absolutely understand, all too well and I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts.

How amazing that someone left that note to remind you of who you really are. You are beautiful! I'm sorry that your husband is still away and not there to give you hugs to remind you of that.

Sending cyber hugs!

Anonymous said...

Oh Jess, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time lately. I think you're being way too hard on yourself. There's a book I'd like to recommend, it's called Battlefield of the Mind. Amazon, Barnes & Noble, your local library, etc. probably all carry it. Anyway, it really helped me and so I often find myself recommending it to others.

That other woman was being cruel, that's for sure. When people act like that it's often because inside they're pretty miserable themselves and it makes them feel better to take it out on someone else.

I'm sorry about the test, but all you can do is try your best, right? And next time, maybe don't second guess yourself so much and then hopefully you'll do better.

And yes, what a lovely random act of kindness for someone to leave such a sticker in a woman's fitting room. Perfect! I know it would've made me smile, because trying on clothes is certainly not my favorite pastime.


Rogue said...

Sounds like that was meant just for you! Be nice to yourself, girl! Everything that happens is a learning experience. The answers you changed on the test will now never be forgotten.

As far as that cruel lady, trust me, somebody was watching! What goes around...

And remember you always have us! :)

Post a Comment