! »

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Holiday Craziness!

I am sorry I have not been around much lately. The holidays are super crazy around here especially with a little one. Things have been so much better now that we have reincorporated dd in our lives. Structure and accountability. I have also had my birthday since our last blog and I really had a good time. Just spending time with my family is wonderful. I look at my son and everyday thank the Lord for him. He is bright, amazing and loving. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love watching him grow and explore. He is so smart, beyond his age already and a bit feisty. Watching his aw at the Christmas decorations and watching his eyes grow at the site of the newness in every day activities just makes my heart happy.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Checking in ;)

I really need to get back into the hang of blogging. Thought I would check in with everyone and say “hello”. Life has been a bit crazy here. This is the season (and wedding season in the summer) that photographers are the busiest. To top that off having a one year old and a husband in the military can make for hectic chaos. I know the holidays really stress me out and I can be a bit cranky and anxious. Another good reason to have dd right now.

Well my husband has come home and been home for over a week now. In that time I have been spanked twice. He has been very thorough and consistent. After our son goes to bed at night he will spank me in the basement where he can’t hear us. I’m actually relieved to be back in this dynamic. I feel it has opened our communication up again and it has given him the freedom to tell me he isn’t happy with my behavior without me biting his head off. I think deep down I really wanted it back but at the same time was afraid to reinstate it, especially with a child in the house.

I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving with family and friends.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Here goes nothing...

Well. I did it. I agree or consented to bring back dd into our marriage and my husband returns very soon. He is quite happy and sounded relieved to hear that. As part of reincorporating it into our marriage I asked for help with some things that I need addressed. It was SUPER hard to do it but I did. This is what I asked him to help me with:
 Ive really sucked lately taking my depression medication. Its been like a week... and I get super anxious and grumpy without it. ( I was diagnosed with PPD after my son was born. The medication is a small dose but it enough for it to make a difference in my day to day activities)

Sleep- I've been giving our son a bath around 715 and putting him to bed by 8. He wakes several times. If I can get to bed by 11 that would be awesome. Except, I havent been getting to bed until after 2. I need time to edit and work on business stuff but not getting sleep is killing me energy wise

Health- I REALLY need to lose weight. I spoke with our OB and she said she isnt comfortable with us trying to get pregnant and maintaining one this heavy.I need to drop at least 25lbs. So I need motivation to eat better and exercise. Soda limited to three a week and things like that.

I haven't gotten a response yet but I think these are all important aspects that I need to be accountable about.

Also, we have had many discussions about communication and respect. We want to get our marriage back to where it was and not have as much tension in it.

I joked around with him and told him no spankings for a week or I wont pick him up from the airport.

He said that was a no go. ;)

I am super anxious and nervous about the first one. It has been years. 

Monday, November 4, 2013

Turmoil thoughts

I guess you could say I created a monster. Or, a better analogy would be that I trained a high prey drive dog in K9 work and then locked him in a kennel all day for the rest of his life.

Hmmm. Not sure either analogy really works. 25 months ago we found out we were pregnant. It wasn’t our first pregnancy although we had no live children. I was put on bed rest and a ton of medications, including a shot in the stomach everyday.  Our dd lifestyle starting to disappear. Spanking became worrisome, and there isn’t much one can take away on bed rest. The hormones from the pregnancy both natural and caused by the medications made deciphering the meaning behind my mood swings difficult. Within a short time dd stopped.

15 months ago I give birth to a beautiful, amazing, loving little boy. It was a miracle from God and we cherish him everyday.

Our marriage has been a bit rocky since then. Sleep deprivation, power struggles, and I will be honest, my sudden love of control, has made a once very smooth partnership into an up and down roller coaster. My husband brings up all the time how he wishes we were still using domestic discipline as a tool in our relationship. I find myself thinking about it but I go back and forth in my head, and thus haven’t consented to it.

I have gotten used to having free reign, to doing what I want, when I want, to being a mom which in itself has an entirely different set of expectations and responsibilities. What if I hate dd now? What if he forgot how to be the head of the house? What if I am not ready to give the reigns back over? He brings it up all the time. He wants it back. He yearns for it. He wants the calm harmony we once had and spent years developing.

I… I just don’t know. I think deep down I do as well. I’m tired of fighting. Tired of not even knowing myself anymore. But, I am scared too. I graduated college in May with two Bachelor degrees. One of which had a lot of feminism tossed my way. We even discussed bdsm and dd in the classes. I am, even more so now, afraid of being outed, looked down upon etc. Silly, right?

Pardon my ramblings. I’m working through all this. I’m pretty sure my heart is telling me to allow my husband that role in which I thrust him in while we were dating again. I think, no I know, that is why I have come back to the online community I once loved so.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Hello out there!

Is anyone still around?!