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Monday, November 4, 2013

Turmoil thoughts

I guess you could say I created a monster. Or, a better analogy would be that I trained a high prey drive dog in K9 work and then locked him in a kennel all day for the rest of his life.

Hmmm. Not sure either analogy really works. 25 months ago we found out we were pregnant. It wasn’t our first pregnancy although we had no live children. I was put on bed rest and a ton of medications, including a shot in the stomach everyday.  Our dd lifestyle starting to disappear. Spanking became worrisome, and there isn’t much one can take away on bed rest. The hormones from the pregnancy both natural and caused by the medications made deciphering the meaning behind my mood swings difficult. Within a short time dd stopped.

15 months ago I give birth to a beautiful, amazing, loving little boy. It was a miracle from God and we cherish him everyday.

Our marriage has been a bit rocky since then. Sleep deprivation, power struggles, and I will be honest, my sudden love of control, has made a once very smooth partnership into an up and down roller coaster. My husband brings up all the time how he wishes we were still using domestic discipline as a tool in our relationship. I find myself thinking about it but I go back and forth in my head, and thus haven’t consented to it.

I have gotten used to having free reign, to doing what I want, when I want, to being a mom which in itself has an entirely different set of expectations and responsibilities. What if I hate dd now? What if he forgot how to be the head of the house? What if I am not ready to give the reigns back over? He brings it up all the time. He wants it back. He yearns for it. He wants the calm harmony we once had and spent years developing.

I… I just don’t know. I think deep down I do as well. I’m tired of fighting. Tired of not even knowing myself anymore. But, I am scared too. I graduated college in May with two Bachelor degrees. One of which had a lot of feminism tossed my way. We even discussed bdsm and dd in the classes. I am, even more so now, afraid of being outed, looked down upon etc. Silly, right?

Pardon my ramblings. I’m working through all this. I’m pretty sure my heart is telling me to allow my husband that role in which I thrust him in while we were dating again. I think, no I know, that is why I have come back to the online community I once loved so.


Irish Imp said...

Honey if what you're doing isn't working......no harm in trying something else. Particularly when that something else is something you once had and worked well. Becoming parents does change things, but it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Callie M said...

My honest opinion is.... What have you got to lose by trying? If you gave this a month to try it again, what might you find out? You could find out you were right and it's a bad idea and that you need to be 'independent' and do what you want. On the otherwise you could realise that this is what you both want and need in your relationship for the benefit of everyone in your little family.
If you give it a try, at least you won't spend the rest of your married life wondering, what if?


Jennelle said...

I know I've never written here before, but I just wanted to tell you how familiar your story is. We too, started and then took a break after the birth of our second. I honestly didn't know how I felt about returning to dd, I didn't want to be look down upon, I still don't, and I still struggle with this. We both lost ourselves a bit after babies too, a baby does change everything, but it got to the point where I was sick of the fighting and the power struggles, and we were both miserable. We were both dual military too, so I understand those struggles as well.It took us 3 years to decide to try again, but we're here we ARE trying again, this time with a commitment to make it work for us. I wish you all the best, and good luck working though everything. It sounds like you both miss dd, and if you do try again, it might be different than it was before children, but you can make it work for the both of you.

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