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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Today is a new day

We talked last night, really talked. As is the norm in our lifestyle, he is away for several weeks. He said he does want DD in our lives and we both agree our marriage is much better in it. He wants one more chance to get it right and to really work on it, reminding me, I am his only experience in all of this. Of course I've given him article after article, blog after blog and forum after forum to explore over the last eleven years. It is hard for him to reach out, ask for a mentor or talk about all of this. It's so taboo in our world.

We discussed taking it slow, communicating more and lower expectations until we have a routine in place. I had gotten one heck of a spanking a couple months back for texting and driving. A crazy bad habit I had gotten into and I know I was in the wrong. It's not like the man doesn't know how to spank. We have a basement that works perfectly, put the kids to bed and we can go down there and they don't hear anything.

Anyway, it was getting late last night during our discussion and sleep has been an issue for me lately. I just don't get any rest. I'm ran down and exhausted a lot. He pretty firmly told me it was time to close everything up for the night and go to bed. That's what I want need in my life. I am a responsible, independent woman who takes care of everything when he is gone for months and years at a time. I've always been in leadership positions outside of the home and I would like to think of myself as intellectual. I've always struggled with self-worth, self-esteem and accountability when it comes to myself. I take care of the world and neglect me. That is one of the reasons I knew I needed a strong, dominant man to marry. I would walk all over and control anything less.

I received a text from him earlier that set my heart aflutter.

I wanted to also hit on my stories. I've had several emails about the different stories I have written on here that I have taken off. I have decided that I am going to finish the novels and hopefully get them published! I really appreciate all my followers who have encouraged and loved my writings. When Spanking Classics went down, with it went many books I have written over the years.

I will post short stories from time to time and excerpts from the books. Wish me luck! As you all know this is something I have been wanting to do for a long, long time but never took myself seriously. A friend of mine that many of you know, Sugar Anne, told me that "The Trainer" inspired her to go out and write and now she is a published author. She called, "The Trainer" a "sci-fi masterpiece" and I do believe that compliment is the best one I have ever gotten.

Thank you all for welcoming me back to blogging with open arms,

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Owned or cast aside?

I remember writing this. I remember the emotions I felt at the time. We had taken the step from DD to D/s. I had felt like I was the queen of the world... so many of my inner desires were fulfilled. I had spent years before meeting him in DD/Ds relationships. I knew the dynamic I craved, I had been craving it since I was fourteen.

Years and two children later and we don't even practice DD. I feel like part of my inner soul has been neglected and crushed. I don't feel valued or even loved anymore.

I feel... out of control, unwanted, unvalued. I feel like I am no longer worthy. I feel like my inner desires are pushed down because he is no longer the man that I can feel comfortable serving. I feel lost.

I wish I knew what to do to fix it, to fix us. Somedays all I want is to fix us and to grow old together and other days... I just can't fathom staying together and living the life we live anymore.

It isn't a question of love. I love him. I just don't love who we are together anymore or us. I miss who we were.

It's always been short lived. Maybe I forced the vanilla to be something he isn't. He says he is and he says he loves it. He says he wants DD. But, he has never ever been consistent. He's never worked at it. He's never truly taken authority. Maybe, I can't force something he's not. But, can I continue to live a life that is a lie? From day one I was clear about what I wanted, no, what I needed.

I saw it in him, briefly, from time to time. Weeks at a time, maybe a month... but I don't think it is something he can maintain. Is it a deal breaker? Which one of us is the fraud? What to do when you feel like a big part of who you are is being suffocated?

I am tired of playing the yo-yo game. DD and then no dd. I am tired of my fires being stroked, my desires being inflamed just to be doused with a bucket of ice cold water. I don't know how to explain to him that it's so much more than discipline. It's so much more. Authority. Dominance. Leadership. Tenderness.

It's not that my expectations are too high, for I have had these relationships in the past. Relationships where I felt valued, loved and important. I don't feel that anymore. All I feel is worthless.

Do I deserve more? Does he?

I kneel at your feet, head bowed, eyes down. You reach down and cup my chin, lifting my face and meeting my eyes with yours. You see adoration, submission, respect and love shining clearly through from my soul. I see dominance, love, determination, pride, and joy shining through yours. You stroke my hair and I shiver from the pure anticipation of your touch.
When we began this your desires were made clear. You wanted a slave, not a doormat. You wanted a human with emotions, not a robot or a puppet. You wanted property that you would value, not get bored with and quickly cast aside. You demanded that I speak my mind and that I always be true to myself in doing so I would be true to you. You don’t demand respect that was earned with time and trust.
I needed a strong man, confident and intelligent who would accept my gift of submission completely. Who would guide me along life’s path and would honor my desire to serve him. A man who would tread carefully with my heart and emotions. A man who would demand that I give all and would patiently tear down my carefully built walls. A man who would push my boundaries, but not cross them, who would grow with me and be my leader. A man who would open me up to a world of endless possibilities, claim my heart, dominate my body and challenge my mind. I found that man, my Master in you.
I know you are responsible for me and in that I am your property. You treat me in such a way that your investment will shine, prosper and last. As in any item that is owned of great value you put time in my upkeep, energy in keeping me at my prime. Broken, I would do little for you. Well oiled and maintained I serve you well.
I occasionally malfunction but you have the tools and the ability to fix me and set me straight again. My joy comes in knowing that I am yours to do what you want with. Knowing, you would never truly hurt me, never ask more than what I could give, never demand more than what I could be. You know me more than I know myself, you see in me much more than I could ever fathom, and you know all my weaknesses but accept me anyway.
Every action I take belongs to you, every thought I hold, every word I speak all yours to claim, to control if you so wished. Knowing this keeps me going down the right path, truly desiring nothing more than to serve and make you proud. My every movement is to please you and in doing so it pleases me to my very core.
I serve you voluntarily. I consent to your ownership. You own me because at one time I gave you permission to do so. A permission you understand I would never take back for it was not given lightly. You do not hold my life over my head, you do not beat me into submission, and you do not manipulate me into staying. I am free to go if I ever so decided, but I stay out of my own free will. It is my gift to you. My acceptance of your terms. My completely surrender to your will.
I am owned by you and I am happy.